"As A Parent Carries a Child": The Torah's "Givens" on the Parental Role

I am intrigued by the lessons that we can learn from the Torah’s “assumptions” upon which it teaches us lessons and comparisons. In the past I have pointed out two such examples:

Parshat Kedoshim (19:18)

וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ אֲנִי יְהוָֹה:

“Love your neighbor as yourself”

The Torah’s point of departure and assumption is that we should love ourselves and then spread that love to include others. In an age in which rates of depression and anxiety are rising, even the Torah’s “given” requires notice and contemplation.

Similarly In Parshat Ekev, which we will be reading in a few weeks (8:5):

You shall know in your heart, that just as a man chastises his son, so does the Lord, your God, chastise you.

הוְיָדַעְתָּ עִם לְבָבֶךָ כִּי כַּאֲשֶׁר יְיַסֵּר אִישׁ אֶת בְּנוֹ יְהֹוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ מְיַסְּרֶךָּ:

Here again the Torah makes an assumption about a parent’s role and responsibilities towards a child- to chastise- and then applies what is assumed to be a familiar attitude to God as well. Here too the Torah’s assumption is no longer a “given”. Rather the idea of a parent correcting and constructively critiquing a child is something that the Torah is teaching us and challenging us to consider implementing today.

A third example of this phenomenon can be found in this week’s Parsha, Devarim (1:31):

and in the desert, where you have seen how the Lord, your God, has carried you as a man carries his son, all the way that you have gone, until you have come to this place.		לאוּבַמִּדְבָּר אֲשֶׁר רָאִיתָ אֲשֶׁר נְשָׂאֲךָ יְהֹוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ כַּאֲשֶׁר יִשָּׂא אִישׁ אֶת בְּנוֹ בְּכָל הַדֶּרֶךְ אֲשֶׁר הֲלַכְתֶּם עַד בֹּאֲכֶם עַד הַמָּקוֹם הַזֶּה:

Moshe recounts the relationship that God had with the Jewish People during their sojourn in the wilderness. In so doing, Moshe compares that relationship with the relationship between a parent and child. When a child is young, a parent will literally carry their child. When the child gets a little older the parent will no longer literally carry them, but will take care of all of their needs. And when a child grows up a little more (by the time they are teens if not earlier), then the notion of “carrying” takes on different connotations. In Hebrew the word for carry can also mean “to tolerate” or “to empathize”.

In reviewing the relationship between man and God in the wilderness we can gain insights into the Torah’s expectations of a parent towards their child: Patience, tolerance, acceptance and unconditional love.

But that relationship must also contain guidance, constructive criticism, pointing out mistakes with the intent to learn from them, and expressing disappointment and anger (NOT necessarily feeling those emotions, but effectively exhibiting them as a teaching tool.)

It may be that the Torah’s assumptions about how parents interact with their children may no longer be as widespread or popular in our modern age. Yet that does not detract from the Torah’s timeless wisdom. It challenging us to examine our relationships, especially with our children, and ask ourselves: “Are the Torah’s “givens” our “givens”? And if not, why not?