Children and Infertility: At The Seder and in Jewish Life

As we celebrate Rosh Chodesh this Shabbat, the countdown to Pesach reaches 2 weeks. Pesach is a holiday with a strong emphasis on children. The 4 Questions that children (of all ages) recite at the Seder are based on verses in the Torah that are introduced by the words “Ki Yishalcha Bincha, when your child will ask.” The story of Egyptian slavery and redemption contains a strong focus on the plight and importance of children: Pharaoh’s decree against Jewish children, the heroism of Shifra and Puah who risked their lives to save Israelite children, the fertility of Jewish women in Egypt (six babies at once according to one Midrash). The story culminates with the plague of the firstborn, which enabled Jewish parents to appreciate their children more when confronted with the death of so many Egyptian children.

While much joy can come from Pesach’s close associations with family and children, this characteristic can also be a source of pain and disillusionment for couples in the Jewish community who are struggling with infertility. Infertility—defined as the inability to get pregnant without medical intervention within one year of trying—can be devastating for couples who endure physical, emotional and financial stresses related to the procedures. Roughly one in every six couples suffers from infertility. And while the incidence of infertility in the Orthodox community is not higher than that of the general population, being an Orthodox Jew can exacerbate the already difficult experience. Due to the centrality of family within traditional Judaism, many childless couples suffer from a pervasive feeling of being left out. One woman explained that some of her most painful moments were during the Pesach Seder. “How could I fulfill the mitzvot of the Seder without children?” she wonders.

This Shabbat, our shul is participating in the Third Annual Infertility Awareness Shabbat along with over 100 other synagogues in North America, Australia, and Israel in partnership with Yesh Tikva. This initiative aims to give infertility a “voice” and to spread awareness in the Jewish community. Too often, infertility is a silent struggle, such that you may not even be aware when your friend, family member or neighbor is suffering.  For more information on how Yesh Tikva can support you visit www.YeshTikva.org.

I am proud that our shul hosts CHIZUK, an infertility support group for women. CHIZUK is for those who are struggling to start or expand their family, seeking medical treatment for infertility, or are in the process of fertility treatments. Meetings are held the first Wednesday of every month in the Chapel. I thank Sharona Whisler for her leadership and ongoing help on this project. For more information, please contact Sharona.

One of the challenges for those who want to be supportive is that it’s hard to do so when the problem is rarely acknowledged. If these couples don’t ask for help, what should their family, friends and neighbors do to help them?

Here are two suggestions, in their own words, from people who have struggled with infertility (quoted in Rebecca Wolf’s article The Childless Couple, Jewish Action 2005):

“Just give me space. If I don’t want to go to a simchah, then don’t press me. Going to a Bris or [a] Simchat Bat, in particular, is too painful.”

“The entire conversation revolved around children—nursery schools, pediatricians, toys, et cetera. It’s not that I want the world to stop, but it was an incredible instance of insensitivity, and I don’t even think people were aware of it.”

In our effort to enhance our shul’s culture of caring, let us be sensitive to those who are confronting infertility. May Hashem hear their prayers and grant them the blessing of children.