Interpersonal Lessons from the Sotah Episode

Interpersonal Lessons from the Sotah Episode

                Parshat Nasso contains the Sota procedure. If a woman is suspected of engaging in an extra-marital affair, she may be brought to the Beit Hamikdash and forced to drink from the bitter waters prepared by the Kohen. In the water, the Kohen dissolves a piece of scroll that includes a curse that is written in our Torah portion and includes the Shem Hashem. Under normal circumstances, we are not allowed to erase God’s name. And yet in this case Hashem allows His name to be erased. Says Rabbi Meir, “I certainly cannot be more concerned with my honor than Hashem.”

                It’s a beautiful idea- Hashem is willing to have His name erased for Shalom Bayit, to promote domestic harmony (Makkot 11a). But it doesn’t fully answer the question: why does Hashem emphasize the importance of Shalom Bayit by allowing us to do something that is usually forbidden? The process of clarifying the Sotah’s status is miraculous enough: if she is innocent she is visibly blessed, and if she is guilty she is noticeably cursed. In a situation that is already devoid of the expected levels of G-dliness, why exacerbate the situation by physically erasing G-d’s name as part of the ceremony?

                Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian explains that by allowing His name to be erased, Hashem demonstrates His willingness to take initiative and extend Himself in ways He normally would not in order to improve the relationship between husband and wife. In so doing the Torah is teaching us an important lesson: When it comes to chesed, when it comes to promoting and enhancing our relationships, we must not take a wait and see attitude or merely be reactive. We must be proactive.

                When people ask me for marriage advice, I tell them I’m still (and always will be) in the learning phase, but that there is one lesson I have already learned: never take your marriage for granted. Never take any interpersonal relationship for granted. Relationships must constantly be nurtured and reevaluated. We must always be ready and willing to extend ourselves and take initiative on behalf of others- as Hashem teaches us by the Sotah waters.

                But extending oneself for the sake of peace sometimes is not enough. The second lesson we can learn is the need to be flexible. Under normal circumstances it is absolutely forbidden to erase the name of God. But to promote Shalom Bayit the Torah allows it. In so doing the Torah is encouraging us to also exhibit flexibility for the sake of peace.

                Former Illinois Sentator Everett Dirksen used to say:  “I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.”

                Isn’t that how our Halachik system works for the most part? There is a rule, and then there are the exceptions to the rule, when the rule does not apply, when we ignore that rule for some greater rule or some greater good. By erasing G-d’s name for the Sotah, the Torah is reminding us of the importance of flexibility within any interpersonal relationship.