Counting Our Words, and Making Our Words Count

Counting Our Words, and Making Our Words Count

The Chofetz Chaim warned his students that each person is allotted a certain number of steps during our lifetime- so we must be careful to utilize our steps for the purposes of Mitzvot and not evil-doing. Similarly, the Chofetz Chaim said that each individual is allotted a certain number of words by Heaven. Therefore, we must think before we speak, for once our words are spent, we can’t get a refund.

        The Torah’s focus on our speech relates more to the quality of our words than the quantity. There are ways to elevate our speech, through study, prayer, blessings and other declarations of our faith and identity. There are also types of speech that we are commanded to avoid: Ona’at Devarim- hurtful speech, Nibul Peh, crass speech, and Loshon Harah are a few such examples.

        And then there is untruthful speech. We all know that lying is wrong. Emet, truth, is a characteristic that we attribute to Hashem and one that we are supposed to emulate.

        A study was conducted at the University of Massachusetts in which 121 pairs of students were told that the purpose of the study was to examine how people interact when they meet someone new. Each participant had a 10 minute conversation with another person. The participants did not know that these sessions were being videotaped by a hidden camera.

        Afterwards the students were asked to watch the videos of themselves and identify any inaccuracies in what they said during the conversation. Upon watching themselves on video, participants in the study were surprised at how much they had lied. The lies varied: some were relatively minor, such as agreeing with a person when they really did not agree. Other lies were more extreme, like falsely claiming to be the star of a rock band.

        In case you were wondering, the number of lies told by men and women in this study were similar. However, what emerged was that men and women lied in different ways. Women were more likely to lie to make the person to whom they were speaking feel good, while men lied most often to make themselves look better.

        Towards the end of Parshat Matot, we read about Gad and Reuven’s request to settle the eastern bank of the Jordan. Moshe finally acquiesces, and does so by expressing this agreement in both the positive and the negative. Moshe specifically says,

“If you fulfill the condition of fighting with the other tribes in the conquest of Eretz Yisrael, then you will inherit this land which you requested. HOWEVER if you do not fulfill this condition, then you will not receive the land which you seek.”

        From here we learn the format to which all Halachically-valid conditions must conform. It’s not enough to declare “If A then B”. One must say, “If A- then B and if not A- then not B.” One reason for this is because people don’t always mean what they say. We therefore need to make our words as clear as possible, for the benefit of both parties.

        The sincerity of our words is an issue that goes beyond business transactions. How often do we say things that we really don’t mean? Perhaps the statement most often expressed insincerely is the question: “How are you?” A lot of times we ask this question to inquire as to the welfare of our friend. But sometimes people ask, but they really don’t care. Other statements that may not always be said with sincerity are: “Thanks for everything” or “Call me if you need anything”.
           

        At the beginning of Parshat Matot, we learn the laws of Nedarim, vows. The essential lesson of this mitzvah is found in the second pasuk of the Parsha:

“If a man will take a vow or swear an oath, he shall not desecrate his word, according to whatever comes from his mouth shall he do.”

        The power of speech is holy. Vivid and heartfelt speech distinguishes humans from all other life forms. Our words are precious. They can be incredibly impactful. Let us count our words and make sure that our words count.