Complaining the Right Way

Mr. Cohen requests from his doctor at St. Andrew’s Medical Center to be transferred to Beth Israel hospital. After he’s transferred, the doctor at Beth Israel asks, “Mr. Cohen, what was wrong at St. Andrew’s? Was it the food?”  “No, the food was fine. I couldn’t complain.”  “Was it the room?”  “No, the room was comfortable,” replies Mr. Cohen. “I couldn't complain.”  “Was it the staff?”  “No, the staff was lovely. I couldn't complain.” “Then, Mr. Cohen, why did you want to be transferred here?” Mr. Cohen responds, “Because here, I can complain!”

          In Parshat Behaalotecha, Chapter 11 begins with the first of the Jewish People’s many complaints in the wilderness:

וַיְהִ֤י הָעָם֙ כְּמִתְאֹ֣נְנִ֔ים רַ֖ע בְּאָזְנֵ֣י ה

The people were looking to complain, and it was evil in the ears of the Lord.

          By qualifying that this complaint was viewed as evil, the Torah is implying that not all complaints are evil. There are complaints that are detrimental and complaints that can be constructive.

          Psychologist Guy Winch points out that complaining can be detrimental to our mental health. Today people have many dissatisfactions and frustrations. Our standard of living does not match up with the amount of complaining we do. At the same time, many of us believe that we're powerless to do anything or to get the results we want. This can leave us feeling helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves.

          On the other hand, complaining effectively and getting results can be incredibly empowering and it can affect our mood and self-esteem for the better. In his book, The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Winch reviews some of the key components of effective complaining: The biggest difference between effective and detrimental complaining is whether the complaint is framed in a way that seeks resolution. Do we complain just to vent and get things off our chests, without any expectations or game plan to help the situation? Then we are doomed to vicious cycles of chronic complaining. However, if we approach a complaint in a goal-oriented way, and that goal is to resolve the situation, then complaining can be very healthy and very useful. Other suggestions for positive complaining include:

1)    Think optimistically: go into a complaint confident that it can be resolved.

2)    Don’t complain in a blaming, hostile or criticizing manner. Such an approach only leads to defensiveness. Instead be empathetic, and understand both sides of the equation, even as you remain firm in your complaint.

          One of my favorite recommendations is to express complaints in the form of a complaint sandwich. The content of the complaint is specific and not generalized criticism. And that complaint is sandwiched between two more positive expressions: Start with something pleasant.  And then close with a request for a resolution in a positive fashion.

          Some suggest that Jewish complaining is based on the Jewish belief that there is always the possibility of improvement. When utilized appropriately both complaining and dissatisfaction can be positive attributes. The problem in the Midbar was not that Bnei Yisrael were complaining. The problem was that Bnei Yisrael were not complaining the right way, with the right mindset and right motivations. That’s why these complaints were evil in Hashem’s ears. Let us learn from their mistake by being careful that when we see the need to complain we do it in the right way.

Do Unto Others as Hashem does to the Sotah

 

The Talmud (Yerushalmi Sotah 1:4) tells the story of a woman who went out Friday night to hear a shiur from the great Rabbi Meir. The shiur ran long and the woman arrived home later than expected. Her husband was fuming and forbade his wife from entering their home again- until she spat in Rabbi Meir’s face. Upon hearing of this unfortunate situation Rabbi Meir devised a ruse. He found this woman and told her that he had been diagnosed with an eye ailment, and the only remedy was human saliva- he needed someone to spit in his eye. The woman was willing to oblige, and promptly spat seven times- in Rabbi Meir’s eye- in front of his entire Beit Midrash. She was then able to return home and inform her husband that she went above and beyond his unreasonable request.

        Rabbi Meir’s students approached their teacher and asked how he could allow himself to be spat upon. There is a concept that Torah scholars must maintain their dignity at all times, not for their own sake but for the sake of the Torah that they possess and represent. Rabbi Meir explained that he was simply following God’s lead.

 ומה אם שם הקודש שנכתב בקדושה אמר הכתוב שיימחה על המים בשביל להטיל שלום בין איש לאשתו. וכבוד מאיר לא כל שכן

        Rabbi Meir is referring to the procedure of the Sotah, described in this morning’s Parsha. If a woman is suspected of engaging in an extra-marital affair, she may be brought to the Beit Hamikdash and forced to drink from the bitter waters prepared by the Kohen. In the water, the Kohen dissolves a piece of scroll that includes a curse that is written in our Torah portion and includes the Shem Hashem. Under normal circumstances, we are not allowed to erase God’s name. And yet in this case Hashem allows His name to be erased. Says Rabbi Meir, “I certainly cannot be more concerned with my honor than Hashem.”

        It’s a beautiful idea- Hashem is willing to have His name erased for Shalom Bayit, to promote domestic harmony (Makkot 11a). But it doesn’t fully answer the question: why does Hashem emphasize the importance of Shalom Bayit by allowing us to do something that is usually forbidden? The process of clarifying the Sotah’s status is miraculous enough: if she is innocent she is visibly blessed, and if she is guilty she is noticeably cursed. In a situation that is already devoid of the expected levels of G-dliness, why exacerbate the situation by physically erasing G-d’s name as part of the ceremony?

        Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian explains that by allowing His name to be erased, Hashem demonstrates His willingness to take initiative and extend Himself in ways He normally would not in order to improve the relationship between husband and wife. In so doing the Torah is teaching us an important lesson: When it comes to Chesed, when it comes to promoting and enhancing our relationships- we must not take a wait and see attitude or merely be reactive. We must be proactive.

        At our Tehillim gathering last week for Israel, I mentioned how important it is to “carry the burden” of our brothers and sisters in Israel during this difficult time. It is no less important for each of us to “carry the burden” of our friends, neighbors and community members that need our empathy, sympathy or support. Chesed is a pillar of our community. We must always be on the lookout for ways to nurture a culture of caring within our kehillah. And even if we may have missed opportunities to be there for someone else, we should not give up or stop trying. For when it comes to Chesed it really is never too late. Let us learn from Hashem’s willingness to be proactive, take initiative, and extend Himself by the Sotah, and apply those attitudes towards our fellow community members.

Be Counted and Shoulder the Burden (Excerpted from my remarks before the Tehillim Gathering on Wednesday 5/12/21)

In between checking the latest updates and grim news from Israel online, I reviewed this week’s Parsha. There are three topics that are discussed in Parshat Bamidbar that are worthy of our attention and consideration as they can shed light on what we should be doing now for Israel.

          The Parsha begins with the command to count each of the Jewish People. Counting people is often viewed as a group exercise- ie we count people to know how large the group is in total. However, counting is also an exercise in personal identification. You agree to be counted as part of a group because you identify with that group, you want to be a part of that group. It is important at this moment to do what we can to be counted as those who care for Medinat Yisrael and her citizens. As Jews we want to be counted among those who care what is happening to our fellow Jews, especially those in Israel. We want to be counted among those who share in their pain and pray for their safety.

          The Parsha then discusses the organization of the tribes when they would travel and camp in the Desert. At the center of the camp at all times was the Mishkan- the location where God’s Presence was experienced most strongly. Just as the Mishkan was the focal point of the Machaneh, so too The Land of Israel has always been the focal point of the Jewish People- with a renewed vigor and application since the founding of the modern state in 1948. We pay close attention to what is happening in Israel- just as we turn our bodies towards Israel when we daven. The centrality of Israel to our Jewish identity must find expression, especially during these trying times.

          The end of the Parsha talks about the special role of the Kehat family, one of the families of Leviim. All Leviim were tasked with transporting the vessels of the Mishkan. However the Kehat family’s role was unique. Whereas the other Leviim would transport their parts of the Mishkan in wagons pulled by oxen, the Kehat family members would carry the vessels of the Mishkan on their shoulders. The Kehat family is singled out for praise because of the effort they made in literally shouldering a national burden. In times of distress we must all look for the ways that we can help shoulder the burden that exists due to the current situation in Israel. It starts with showing up- for a tehillim gathering like this, but also to other events that are in the planning stages to show our support and solidarity for Israel. Shouldering the burden can mean reaching out to our elected officials to ensure that they remain committed to Israel’s safety- in both words and action. Shouldering this burden may mean reaching out to some of our friends and family in Israel, to let them know that we are thinking of them- or contributing to a charity that is helping Israeli citizens at this difficult time.

          Let us do what we can now to be counted among those who identify with our brethren, to put Israel at the center of our priorities, and to shoulder the burden. Let our efforts transform us for the better and may Hashem in turn transform the current matzav (situation) into a matzav of Shalom, of peace.

Jerusalem: The Ultimate Connector

 

In Tehillim Chapter 122 it says: יְרֽוּשָׁלִַ֥ם הַבְּנוּיָ֑ה כְּ֜עִ֗יר שֶׁחֻבְּרָה־לָּ֥הּ יַחְדָּֽו: The built-up Jerusalem is like a city that was joined together within itself.

      On a technical note this may refer to the fact that Jerusalem, unlike every other city, was not assigned to any specific tribe. Rather, Yerushalayim remained the property of the entire Jewish nation. Rabbeinu Yona explains that the description of Jerusalem as “joined together” refers to the fact that it was a well-planned city. Its designers had the foresight to provide enough space for all of those who would need to make pilgrimage three times per year. The Seforno adds that when the city needed to be expanded, new additions blended in perfectly together with the established neighborhoods, thereby creating an esthetic of unity. Jerusalem also served as a unifying social force. Due to the Beit Hamikdash, a wide variety of Jews would converge in Jerusalem for the Three Regalim, or when bringing other korbanot. Being in proximity to so many Jews from different places enhanced the sense of cohesion and unity across Am Yisrael.

      Today during prayer, Jews across the globe face towards Jerusalem. Jerusalem is the soul of the Jewish People. We need the unifying power of Jerusalem today, now more than ever. CoVID has left many people feeling more alone and disconnected. Today’s political climate seems to reward extremism and discord. This “all or nothing” attitude has seeped into our communities as well. Compromise has become a dirty word. We live in echo chambers, rarely exposed to ideas that challenge our assumptions. Jerusalem – the city and the symbol – challenge these ideas and encourage us to find ways to connect with each other, with our nation and with our God.

      I was recently invited by the Jewish Agency for Israel to participate in a pilot project Kehillot Mitchabrot. The “Kehilot Mitchabrot” – “Connecting Communities” project aims to create warm relationships between rabbis and their communities in Israel to their counterparts overseas. The program is a joint venture of Gesher, World Organization of Orthodox Communities and Synagogues, The Jewish Agency, Igud Rabanei Kehilot, Ase Lecha Rav and the Barkai Center for Practical Rabbinics.

      I was matched with Rav Yehonatan Sanders from Alonei Habashan. Alonei Habashan is a moshav in the eastern Golan, closer to Damascus than Jerusalem. Rav Sanders and I have had the pleasure of speaking by WhatsApp and Zoom over the last few months. We look forward to strengthening our connection, with the hope that Jews in Hollywood, Florida and Alonei Habashan will get to know each other and strengthen the ties of achdut among Am Yisrael.

      How appropriate that our first joint program will be on Yom Yerushalayim (Israel time). Please join me on Sunday afternoon via Zoom at 12:45 PM (7:45 PM Israel time) for a festive Tefilah in honor of Yom Yerushalayim, live from Alonei Habashan. Following the tefilah, there will be brief Divrei Torah from me and Rav Sanders. To access the Zoom meeting click here:

https://zoom.us/j/99580547957?pwd=ek9tQTNUcFcvNGJwQnFmaDZzdGJxQT09

Meeting ID: 995-8054-7957       Passcode: XSm94L

      Monday marks the 54^th anniversary of the reunification of Jerusalem under Jewish sovereignty. The 6 Day War saw the Israeli army overcome seemingly insurmountable challenges and miraculously reach a victory over her enemies. Jerusalem is not just a destination, it is also an ideal; challenging us to find ways to connect.