Mourning the Loss of Emotional Intelligence

If I may borrow a recent term from the world of psychology, the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash caused a profound loss of Emotional Intelligence. There is some dispute as to the definition of Emotional intelligence and whether Emotional Intelligence, or EI, really exists. But Emotional Intelligence is explained as the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions and to use that information to guide one’s thinking and action towards healthy, constructive and positive outcomes.

The relationship between Tisha B’Av and our inability to feel for others is well documented. The Gemara in Gittin tells us that the destruction occurred due to the type of behavior that is exemplified by the story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza; where the host at a party had total disregard for his fellow Jew’s feelings. Yerushalayim is referred to by Dovid Hamelech as Ir Shechubra La Yachdav, the original city of brotherly love. The Beit Hamikdash had the ability to unite Jews, really all humans, in the pursuit of shared goals and common values. Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred and factionalism, was the cause of the destruction of the Second Temple. But Sinat Chinam is also an outcome of the absence of our Beit Hamikdash. Without a spiritual focal point sympathy and empathy become more difficult for us. Divisiveness within the Jewish People becomes more common because each group focuses on themselves without thinking about the other. It is the most vicious of cycles: Our Sinat Chinam led to the Churban and yet without a Beit Hamikdash Jewish unity is elusive. We continue to exacerbate the problem by adding fuel to the fire

In addition to being a locus for our caring for others, the Beit Hamikdash was also the location for self-reflection and personal development. It was the site at which teshuva, repentance, would reach its apex when atonement was achieved on both a personal level (by the sinner bringing a Korban) and on the communal level (through the Temple service daily and on Yom Kippur). The Churban has not only limited our ability to feel for others, but the destruction has also we stunted our ability to feel for ourselves. We lack a critical forum for self-evaluation and self-awareness. In order to mourn for the Beit Hamikdash, we have to make sure that we are able to mourn anything- to feel something! We must strive to be emotionally aware enough to utilize our feelings in a constructive manner.

The ultimate goal of the Three Weeks is to feel real loss and mourn over the Beit Hamikdash. To help achieve that goal we add personal and contemporary facets to the mourning. But even if we don’t reach the goal, there is value in the process. If we do not properly feel the loss of the Temple, then can we at least feel something? It is not easy to be emotionally aware; it takes time and effort. That is why our mourning process does just begin on Tisha B’av. As we enter into the month of Av, let us utilize this time to develop our emotional intelligence to the degree that Tisha b’Av will be meaningful.

 

The Quest for a Truly Selfless Act

The Vilna Gaon was always careful to fulfill the mitzvah of lulav and Etrog on Sukkot, even when it was difficult to obtain those ritual items. One year, there was only one set of lulav and Etrog in all of Vilna, and the Vilna Gaon was committed to fulfilling the mitzvah at all costs. He asked the rich man if he could buy the set from him. The man said, “I will sell you my set on one condition. You agree to give me all of the reward that you accumulate due to the fulfillment of this mitzvah.” Instead of being upset or hesitant, the Vilna Gaon was ecstatic. He said, “All my life I’ve looked forward to being able to fulfill a mitzvah without the expectation of a reward. Finally now I have the chance to do a mitzvah purely for the sake of serving Hashem, ie 100% leshem shamayim.” Philosophers have debated whether it is possible for a person to commit a purely selfless act. Some suggest that if the active person does not benefit to the same degree as the beneficiary, then we should consider it a selfless act. Others suggest that since the active person gains something- a sense of satisfaction or pleasure in doing a good deed- then it doesn’t really count as a purely selfless act. Personally I don’t think we should be so strict on defining selflessness. Any time a person thinks about the other person more than him/herself I believe we can consider that to be a selfless moment. In this week’s Parsha, Moshe asks Hashem to appoint a leader who will lead the Jewish People into Israel after Moshe’s. Moshe describes the qualities that he believes are most important in his successor (27:17) “Let Hashem, Source of the breath of all flesh, appoint someone over the community who shall go out before them and come in before them, and who shall take them out and bring them in, so that Hashem’s community may not be like sheep - that they have no shepherd.” The Magid of Vilna wonders why the Torah didn’t just say “like sheep without a shepherd”. Why does the verse add the phrase “that they have no shepherd.” The Magid explained that the care that most shepherds provide for the flocks is based on self-interest. If the shepherd owns the sheep, then he wants to make sure that they are as healthy and valuable as possible. If the shepherd works for someone then he cares for the sheep so that he will be kept on in his job, or provided a bonus, or referred for another shepherd job in the future. It is the rare shepherd that actually cares for the sheep themselves. Moshe asks God to provide a successor that leads the Jews in a similarly selfless manner. Leadership can come with perks. Leaders might enjoy those perks and not be completely focused on their followers. A true Jewish leader, one that makes Moshe proud, is the one that is able to lead selflessly; for the benefit of the followers and even if it comes at the expense of the leader.

Privacy and Community: The Tension and the Blessings

 In this week’s Parsha, King Balak hires the prophet Bilam to curse the Jewish People. Hashem does not allow Bilam to do so; instead God puts into Bilam’s mouth a series of blessings directed at Bnai Yisrael. One of those blessings is recited daily in our morning prayers (24:5):

מַה־טֹּ֥בוּ אֹֽהָלֶ֖יךָ יַֽעֲקֹ֑ב מִשְׁכְּנֹתֶ֖יךָ יִשְׂרָאֵֽל:

How goodly are your tents, O Jacob, your dwelling places, O Israel!          

Rashi understands the first clause in this statement as referring to the value of privacy that Bnai Yisrael maintained. Rashi explains that Bilam was praising the fact that within the Jewish encampment in the desert, no tent openings faced each other. This allowed for privacy, even under cramped and crowded living conditions. Even when the physical area is more spacious, there is the danger within close knit communities of overlooking the value of privacy. The US Constitution ensures a right to privacy.  The Jewish value of tzniut teaches us that not everything is meant for public consumption. There is a value and a need for some things to remain private. Sometimes people have a desire to become entangled in other people’s lives, even when it is not necessary nor requested. While the motivation to get involved in people’s business may sometimes come from a place of love and concern, the outcomes can often be detrimental. Here are a few suggestions for how to mind our own business and avoid impinging on other’s privacy: Avoid gossiping. Accept other people as they are. Don’t form unnecessary opinions. Bilam saw that the Jewish People appreciated the value of privacy, and we must continue to appreciate that value today.

At the same time Judaism believes in the importance of community and helping our neighbors. We do not subscribe to a “live and let live” worldview. Chesed teaches us that we must help others whenever we can. The notion of Arvut is that each Jew is responsible for his/ her fellow Jews. If someone is ignorant we are called upon to teach them. If someone is acting incorrectly we are supposed to help them correct their ways. It seems that Rashi understood that Bilam’s blessing here could not be only an endorsement of privacy, since Judaism also values community and mutual aid. Perhaps that is why Rashi offers a second interpretation of the word “tents”: “How goodly are the tent of Shiloh and the eternal Temple.” According to Rashi’s second interpretation, Bilam is praising the Mishkan/ Bet Hamikdash, i.e. the national spiritual center and symbol of the unity of the Jewish People.

From a Jewish perspective, privacy and community are complementary values. Perhaps the real blessing that Bilam alludes to is striking that balance that allows us to benefit from both privacy and community. I am thinking about this balance between privacy and community as I encourage you to attend the RENEWAL event on Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. in the Social Hall. Our longtime esteemed community member Gary Bloom is in need of a kidney transplant. Publicizing one’s medical condition can be difficult for someone, as it encroaches upon one’s privacy. This can be especially difficult for those of us who view ourselves in general as helping others and rarely on the receiving end of assistance. Even as privacy is a value, the essence of Am Yisrael is helping our fellow Jew whenever we can and in whatever way we can. Please attend the RENEWAL event on Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. to demonstrate our concern for Gary and our commitment to community.

Sometimes We’re Metal and Sometimes We’re Earthenware

 

Parshat Chukat contains the laws of koshering items as well as the laws of purifying utensils that come into contact with tumah, ritual impurity. We learn that there is a difference between metal and earthenware utensils. A metal utensils becomes tamei as soon as it comes into contact with an impure item- even on the outside of the vessel. This stands in contrast to an earthenware vessel that only becomes impure from the inside. The Kotzker Rebbe explained that metal is a substance that has value, even in its raw form (before it is turned into a utensil). Since the substance itself is of value it can become impure from the outside of the utensil. On the other hand, earthenware is made from dirt. Dirt has no intrinsic value. The value of the earthenware vessel is in its utility and craftsmanship. Therefore earthenware can only become impure from the inside i.e. from the source of its value. Human beings are referred to as vessels in different contexts. One’s body is a vessel for one’s soul. We are vessels ready to serve God. And we are receptacles waiting for God’s blessings. In some ways we are like a metal utensil. Each of us, regardless of our abilities and achievements, possesses a dignity and sanctity. Our value is intrinsic, it exists by mere fact that each of us was created in the image of God. On the other hand, the Kotzker Rebbe writes that we can learn a lot from the earthenware utensil. While we may possess intrinsic value, we also possesses tremendous potential that requires hard work, commitment, and determination in order to bring to fruition. The Mishna in Pirkei Avot (4:20) warns us, "al tistakel b'kankan eleh b'mah sh'yesh bo”, one should not judge a person merely based on externalities. We are born with gifts and talents but we must earn the blessings that come with fulfilling the potential of those gifts.

Another difference between metal and earthenware finds expression when it comes to koshering the utensil after coming into contact with non-kosher (hot) food. Metal can be koshered by exposing it to heat; either dry eat or boiling water, depending on the circumstances of how the utensil become unkosher. Earthenware cannot be koshered through heat. In fact there is no recourse for earthenware. If it becomes unkosher it must be smashed. Once smashed it can be remade into a new vessel, and that vessel would be considered kosher. These two methods of koshering represent two paths that can be taken when it’s time to make changes in our life. Sometimes we need to “kick up the heat” ie to add energy, intensity, focus, or attention to the lives that we have been living all along. This is the metal model of koshering. But sometimes in life something drastic has to occur in order to create change for the better. Sometimes we need to smash our status quo and start again with a fresh outlook.