Parshat Chayei Sara tells the story of how Eliezer, Avraham’s trusted servant, went to Aram Naharayim to find a wife for Yitzchak. Upon arriving at a well at the outskirts of the city, Eliezer devised a test whereby the first girl to offer him and his camels water should be the girl for Yitzchak. Eliezer asked Hashem to bless this endeavor. Eliezer’s shidduch test seems reasonable. Yitzchak was born into the family of Avraham, a man known for his Chesed. It makes sense that Yitzchak needed a wife who was similarly committed to Chesed- and watering a bunch of camels is a big Chesed!
The Rambam criticizes Eliezer. In exploring the Torah prohibition of nichush, fortune-telling, The Rambam writes (Avodat Kochavim 11:4): “For example, those who say: Since my piece of bread fell out of my mouth, or my staff fell from my hand, I will not travel to this place today, since if I were to go I would not be able to accomplish my desires. Since a fox passed on my right side, I will not go out of my door today, since if I were to go out I would meet a deceiver…..Similarly, a person who sets up omens for himself; e.g., if this and this happens, I will do this. If it will not happen, I will not do it, as Eliezer, the servant of Abraham did, and the things of the like - all this is forbidden.”
How do we reconcile the Rambam’s harsh criticism of Eliezer with our belief in Hashgacha/ Divine Providence, ie “everything happens for a reason”? The answer is subtle yet important. When something happens to me, whether it’s something bad or something good or even something benign, I am entitled to utilize my lived experiences as prompts and opportunities for personal growth and change. To take a mundane example, if I miss my flight I am allowed to think that it must’ve been God’s plan for me to miss my flight. (That truth would not absolve me for sleeping through my alarm nor absolve the Uber driver for picking me up late, if those were contributing factors to my missing the flight.) As I wait for the next flight I am entitled to contemplate what I am supposed to learn from this experience. Perhaps upon some reflection I come to realize that I often am late to appointments and I resolve at the terminal that from now on I will be more careful to be on time and to respect people’s time. Maybe I have no great epiphanies, and I merely resolve that I need a louder alarm. It’s my prerogative to interpret the meaning (or lack thereof) of my experiences.
I would add 3 important caveats: First and foremost I must have the humility to realize that I don’t fully understand God’s ways. God knows and we don’t know. Whatever rationales or explanations I attribute to my experiences must be predicated on this “uncertainty principle” Similarly, there are no certain outcomes. Just because someone was saved/ was blessed after s/he took upon themselves a certain mitzvah or positive behavior doesn’t mean that I will experience the same outcomes. Similarly, if something bad happens to me, I should not attribute it to a specific sin or non-observance of a specific mitzvah. There are lots of reasons why “bad things happen to good people”, and this is one of the great mysteries of the universe- something even Moshe Rabbeinu could not fully understand.
Second, takeaways from my personal experiences must lead me to growth and must be consistent with Torah law and Torah values. For example, if I got into a car accident on my way to minyan (God forbid), it would NOT be legitimate for me to come to the conclusion that this was a sign that I should not be going to minyan.
Third, I am entitled to learn from events that occur to me, but I am not entitled to interpret events for someone else. Iyov’s friends were considered cruel by our rabbis because they offered their own reasons for Iyov’s suffering. Iyov is entitled to utilize his experiences to prompt in him growth or change. Others were not supposed to tell Iyov why bad things were happening to him.
This can be a complicated and confusing topic, one that we encounter throughout our life journey. Whatever happens to us in life we should remember the words of Rivka’s father and brother. While we don’t have many nice things to say about Betuel and Lavan, we should all agree that whatever happens in life “מֵֽה יָצָ֣א הַדָּבָ֑ר” “The matter has emanated from the Lord.”
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