Quality time? Or Quantity time? Which is more important for those of us seeking to build and nurture our relationships as spouses, friends, and parents? The reviews are mixed.
Over the past 50 years, parents have greatly increased the amount of time they spend with their children. On average fathers are with their (waking) children 3 times more today than they were in 1965 (from 2.6 to 7.2 hours per week). And even as more mothers work outside of the home, the number of hours they are with their children has also increased - from 10.5 to 13.7 hours per week. Quantity of time is definitely up.
And yet a meta-study released a few years back indicated that the sheer quantity of time parents spend with their kids between the ages of 3 and 11 has virtually no relationship to how children turn out, and a minimal effect on adolescents.
The study found one instance when more parental face time with their children was actually harmful: when parents were stressed, sleep-deprived, guilty and anxious. This would lead one to consider quality time as most important.
In the aftermath of the study that highlighted quality time, Frank Bruni wrote a column in the NY Times entitled, “The Myth of Quality Time”. In extolling the virtues of quantity time he makes a convincing case that “There’s simply no real substitute for physical presence.” And “we delude ourselves when we say that we can plan instances of extraordinary candor…, (or) engineer intimacy in an appointed hour.” Since people don’t operate on cue, not every planned moment will work out as we hope. Like a nature photographer who waits for the most perfect confluence of nature and beauty to materialize in the shot- it takes time and physical presence. A lot of “down time” needs to be invested if we hope to capture that perfect moment, without it being merely staged or contrived.
In Parshat Vayigash we read about the reunion between Yosef and his family. After reuniting with his brothers, Yosef sent the brothers to tell Yaakov. At first Yaakov does not believe that Yosef is alive. He is only convinced when “he saw the wagons that Joseph had sent to carry him.” Only then are we told that “the spirit of their father Jacob was revived.” (45:27)
What was it about the wagons? Rashi explains that the wagons were a code that Yaakov understood could have only come from Yosef. The word for wagon- Agalah- is very similar to the word Eglah- as in Eglah Arufah, the ceremony undertaken when there is unsolved murder situated between two inhabited locations. Rashi quotes the Midrash that Yaakov and Yosef were learning about this topic right before Yosef disappeared.
Is it possible that Yaakov, at over 100 years old and after 22 years would pick up on this slight hint that Yosef was dropping? Yes.
This one-on-one Torah study time between Yaakov and Yosef was quality time- treasured by both father and son. These consistent moments between loved ones stick in our memories and shape how we view ourselves and our relationships. The wagons reminded Yosef and Yaakov of quality time spent together, something that they would always remember.
A few weeks ago our shul experienced an amazing and inspiring moment when we welcomed former hostages Guy Gilboa Dalal and Evyatar David for their first public engagement since being freed from Gaza. While the quality of that moment is unparalleled, it is also difficult if not impossible to replicate it. We need to leverage high quality, high-impact moments like that to seek out more frequent opportunities to create sustained growth. Can we utilize that moment in shul to better appreciate the potential in attending shul every Shabbat, every day? How do we utilize the quality moments in order to motivate us to engage in the quantity moments more often and more deeply?
As parents, spouses and friends let us commit to valuing both quantity time and quality time- for our loved ones and for ourselves.
No comments:
Post a Comment