Praise: A Double-Edged Sword

Praise: A Double-Edged Sword

                Balak, the King of Moav, wanted Bilaam to curse the Jews, but as we read in Parshat Balak, the only things that Bilaam says are blessings.  Taking note of this difficulty, Rabbi Yochanan in Masechet Sanhedrin (105b) teaches us:

“From the blessings pronounced by that wicked man (Bilaam), you can deduce what was actually in his heart.”

The Talmud then goes on to analyze each of the blessings and explains what Bilaam really wanted to say. For example Bilaam wished to curse Bnai Yisrael that they should have no synagogues or study halls. Instead he was forced to say Mah Tovu Ohalecha Yaakov- how good are Jacob’s tents- a reference to shuls and Batei Medrash.

Bilaam cannot catch a break from our tradition. Even when blessings utter from his mouth, the Rabbis attribute evil motives. Why do they insist on viewing Bilaam’s blessings with suspicion, even scorn?

                Perhaps the problem that the Rabbis had with Bilaam is in the blessings themselves. Praise can be given with two completely different outcomes. I can give praise that encourages the recipient to strive and want to do better. Or I can give praise that causes the person to feel that s/he has no reason to strive any further. Psychologists today are concerned that in America we are raising a generation of over-indulged children. One of the symptoms of this overindulgence is that some parents are prone to over-praise. Although it may come from noble and loving motivations, over-praise can backfire and make the child addicted to praise. It can give that child an unrealistic notion of his own capacity and talent. It can also lead a child to reason that he does not have to strive for improvement or excellence, because praise will be given regardless.

                Bilaam as a prophet understood that praise can be extremely motivating or extremely harmful. His words were meant to lull Bnai Yisrael into a sense of complacency. There was no mitigating call for improvement within Bilaam’s blessings. And it is when people feel that there is nothing more to achieve that they are most prone for failure. For example, let us examine one of the most famous of Bilaam’s blessings:  Mah tovu Ohalecha Yaakov, How good are your tents, oh Jacob.

                The Talmud in Baba Batra page 60 says that this blessing refers to the Jewish People’s modesty. Their camps were set up such that no two tent doors opened directly opposite one another. This prevented families from seeing inside each other homes thereby maintaining a high level of modesty. And yet at the end of the Parsha we read about the People’s sin with the daughters of Moav, extreme violations and disregard for any semblance of modesty, let alone Torah commandments. So what happened? How could a nation that had been praised for its modesty so soon after act in such immodest fashion? The Rabbis tell us to look no further than to Bilaam’s supposed blessings for the answer. Instead of blessings that encourage the recipient to continue to strive for excellence, Bnai Yisrael heard about Bilaam’s blessings and decided that they had reached the pinnacle- they had been blessed, and there was no reason to maintain that standard.

                It's important that we see the good in ourselves, each other and our community. Praise is a great way to convey these sentiments. However we must remember our tradition’s suspicion of Bilaam’s praise. Let us be careful not to allow praise to lull us into complacency, or even backtracking. Rather let us utilize praise as a motivating force for us to maintain and even exceed our achievements.

Commands Vs Collaboration, and Moshe’s Generation Gap

There are two primary methods of communication that business executives like to utilize: The transmission method and the exchange method. Traditionally leaders would use the transmission method of communication, where they speak to the audience and expect everyone to listen. This is the method used when a CEO lectures his/her employees, possibly making use of a slide projector or a video to convey information that the audience must ingest as presented. In recent years institutes that specialize in leadership training have found that the transmission method of communication is usually a failure.

                Today, the preferred method of communication is generally through exchange, where instead of a leader speaking to the people, he or she speaks with the people. Conversations and brainstorming sessions are far more effective than lectures.

                The generation gap between those who left Egypt and those now ready to enter Israel expressed itself in each one’s preferred method of communication.

                The people who left Egypt had been slaves. They were used to other people making decisions for them and being told what to do. It is not surprising that they obediently followed G-d’s commands and Moshe’s leadership. When offered the Torah they say “Naaseh V’nishma” - We will do and (only after) we will understand.” When it came time to build the Mishkan the Torah tells us over and over again in Parshat Pekudei that the people did “as G-d had commanded Moshe”.

                Those who experienced the Exodus had their shortcomings. They complained a lot. They had trust issues - they found it difficult to trust what Hashem and Moshe said. And they did a poor job improvising when thrown a curve ball - as the sin of the golden calf demonstrated. But they excelled in obedience. Their preferred method of communication was transmission. Tell them what to do and they would do it. That is why when the people complain for water, they turn to Moshe and say,

“Tnu Lanu Mayim - give us water.”

They are completely dependent on Moshe as leader. Since they listen to everything Moshe says, they expect him to also provide for their needs.

                The next generation of Bnai Yisrael is more interested in an exchange method of communication. No longer do they depend exclusively on Moshe. For instance, they send spies to make sure that the Land is conquerable, even against Moshe’s advice. Moshe’s leadership is challenged by Korach and his followers and then by the entire nation. When they are thirsty this generation does not ask Moshe to give them water. Rather the Torah tells us “Vayikahalu”- the Jews gather. They invite Moshe to a meeting at which they present their claims and want answers. They demand to be part of the process. No longer will they be dictated to. This is the generation who, upon entry to Eretz Yisrael, will be asked to partner with Hashem in the conquest and then settling the land. They are active participants in their destiny and want to be treated as such.

                Moshe was chosen as leader because of his ability to tend to his flock. He knew how to take care of helpless sheep that needed to be told what to do. But no sheep ever second guess their shepherd. No sheep ever ask to be included in the decision making of where to graze. This was a task that Moshe was not prepared nor necessarily suited for. Each generation needs leadership appropriate for its unique personality and historical period. It is therefore not surprising that just as the new generation is ready to enter the land, Miriam, Aharon and finally Moshe exit the scene.

                Since those first two generations, the situation has become more complex and nuanced. Today, we need both methods of communication. Teachers, parents, employers - each of us as leaders need to strike a challenging balance: to give direction while allowing for a sense of independence; to encourage feedback and brainstorming at times, while laying down the law at others; to promote dialogue while instilling principles.

Strong, Influential Women: Then and Now

The verse in Mishlei states:

חַכְמוֹת נָשִׁים בָּנְתָה בֵיתָהּ וְאִוֶּלֶת בְּיָדֶיהָ תֶהֶרְסֶנּוּ:

The wisest of women-each one built her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her hands.

    The Talmud (Sanhedrin 110) explains that this verse alludes to two women who play critical roles behind the scenes in Parshat Korach.

    “The wisest of women” refers to the wife of Ohn ben Pelet. At the beginning of the Parsha (16:1) we read how Ohn is one of the named members in the band of Korach’s rebels. However when the story ends with punishment for all of those who rebelled against Moshe, Ohn’s name is noticeably absent. The Talmud in Sanhedrin explains that Ohn is not mentioned at the end of the story because he was saved due to his wife’s intervention. Ohn’s wife convinced her husband that he had nothing to gain from getting involved in the rebellion, and everything to lose. Ohn agreed with his wife but felt trapped because he had sworn allegiance to Korach. So Ohn’s wife did what she had to in order to save her husband: she got him drunk and put him to bed. Then she blocked the doorway so that no-one could bring him to the rebellion.

    “A foolish one tears it down with her hands”: the Talmud explains that this refers to Korach’s wife. According to this tradition, she was the instigator of the entire rebellion. She goaded her husband into rebelling by suggesting that Moshe had overstepped his bounds, and he was taking honor and privileges that rightfully belonged to Korach.

    The Talmud is teaching us that, oftentimes, the most influential person in the story/ in the family is the one who may be behind the scenes, yet is directing all of the events.  And like the story behind the scenes in our Parsha, oftentimes this is a role taken by women. As Nia Vardalos said in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding “The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.”

    In the past few decades, the role of wife has changed dramatically, more so than the role of husband. More married women are working outside of the home than ever before. This fact is just one of many that make a woman’s role in today’s world complicated and challenging. Other factors that complicate everyone’s family life (for both women and men) include: technology, raising children in the 21^st century, and seeking a balance between work and life, as well as a healthy synergy between one’s mind, body and soul.

    Seeing a need for synagogues to engage and service the female half of our Orthodox communities, the Orthodox Union created its Women’s Initiative. The OU Women’s Initiative aims to create and promote women’s programming in the areas of Torah study, community leadership, spiritual, personal and professional growth, health and social well-being for women of all ages. One of its first programs was a competitive challenge grant to support innovative women’s programming concepts proposed by synagogues.

    Close to 100 applications were submitted. I am proud to share with you that our shul was one of 16 synagogues to receive the grant. Our proposal, Eishet Chayil Initiative, was created and submitted by Mrs. Sara Frieberg, our Coordinator of Women’s Engagement. The idea is to convene a monthly forum for women to learn about necessary ingredients for being N’shei Chayi (“Women of Valor”): spiritual inspiration, mental health, physical health, leadership skills, and more. Some of the potential areas of focus include: spirituality, mindfulness and meditation, nutrition and fitness, management skills, time management, communication skills, parenting, conflict resolution, building self-confidence, and financial literacy. We hope that through this initiative women will feel encouraged and empowered to excel in all of their roles, thereby benefitting themselves, their families, and our community.

    Mrs. Ohn and Mrs. Korach are two examples of many that we have within Jewish tradition of strong, talented, powerful women who have shaped our history. This remains as true today as it was back then. I hope that our Eishet Chayil Initiative is just the beginning of a conversation on this topic, and of opportunities we create to acknowledge and address the ways in which our shul can better serve women, and the ways in which women can provide their unique and indispensable contributions to our shul.  

Believing is Seeing

Parshat Shelach begins and ends on the topic of sight. The Parsha opens with the episode of the spies. Moshe sends ten distinguished Jewish leaders to tour the Land of Israel (perhaps the first Jewish leadership mission to Israel):

וַיִּשְׁלַ֤ח אֹתָם֙ משֶׁ֔ה לָת֖וּר אֶת־אֶ֣רֶץ כְּנָ֑עַן

Moses sent them to scout the Land of Canaan

The mandate was clear: go and see the land firsthand and report back to the people 1) the beauty/bounty of the land and 2) strategies for victory in the anticipated wars with the current inhabitants.

וּרְאִיתֶ֥ם אֶת־הָאָ֖רֶץ מַה־הִ֑וא וְאֶת־הָעָם֙ הַיּשֵׁ֣ב עָלֶ֔יהָ הֶֽחָזָ֥ק הוּא֙ הֲרָפֶ֔ה הַמְעַ֥ט ה֖וּא אִם־רָֽב:

You shall see what [kind of] land it is, and the people who inhabit it; are they strong or weak? Are there few or many?

The plan here is in line with the expression “seeing is believing”. Moshe’s hope was that by seeing the land, the spies, and subsequently the entire nation, would believe in the goodness of God’s plan. The power of seeing something is well documented within Jewish tradition. At Har Sinai the nation saw a manifestation of God unlike anything in history. Right after the Ten Commandments, Hashem says:

אַתֶּ֣ם רְאִיתֶ֔ם כִּ֚י מִן־הַשָּׁמַ֔יִם דִּבַּ֖רְתִּי עִמָּכֶֽם:

You have seen that from the heavens I have spoken with you.

According to the Talmud, only eyewitness testimony can be accepted by a Beit Din. As to why hearsay cannot be accepted by a court, the Talmud explains: “Eino Domeh Shemiya L’Re’iya”, seeing is much better than hearing. My family and I will, please God, be going to Israel this summer on family vacation. This is the first time my children will be in Israel. I am making our itinerary, and my goal is to foster a Chibat HaAretz, a love for the Land of Israel, through the sites that they see. They’ve read and learned about Israel, but nothing beats being there and seeing the Land up close.

And yet we all know that our eyes can deceive us. Obi-Wan Kenobi was right when he told young Luke Skywalker, “Your eyes can deceive you, don’t trust them.” Neuroscientific research has shown that “People rely on their eyes for most tasks – yet the information provided by our visual sensing system is often distorted, unreliable and subject to illusion.”

This is what actually happened with the spies. Because of their fears/ low self-esteem/ ulterior agendas, the spies twisted what they saw into an evil report- leading to catastrophic results.

Which brings us to the very end of the Parsha; a selection that we read as the third paragraph of our daily Shema. In it we are warned:

ולֹֽא־תָת֜וּרוּ אַֽחֲרֵ֤י לְבַבְכֶם֙ וְאַֽחֲרֵ֣י עֵֽינֵיכֶ֔ם אֲשֶׁר־אַתֶּ֥ם זֹנִ֖ים אַֽחֲרֵיהֶֽם

and you shall not wander after your hearts and after your eyes after which you are going astray.

Rashi notes that the same word is used here and by the spies, hinting at the fact that the sin of the spies, or other sins, can occur when we allow our eyes to deceive us.

While our Parsha rejects the notion that seeing is always believing, I think that the inverse is true much more often: believing is indeed seeing. What we believe, our assumptions, perspectives and disposition, will greatly impact how we see/ perceive people and events around us.

Barry Neil Kaufman in his book Happiness is a Choice tells the story of a young girl named Katie. Katie had severe disabilities, and after years of medical testing had been brought by her parents to Kaufman’s institute in a last-ditch effort for help.  Instead of discussing Katie’s history with his staff or showing them her thick file, Kaufman told the staff to make their own assessment and recommendation, basing themselves primarily on their first-hand interactions with Katie.

At the end of the day, one of the staff members was reviewing her notes with Katie’s parents. She mentioned that she had held one of Katie’s favorite puppets at arm’s length, and encouraged the child to come and get it.

“She took almost five steps to reach me,” the staff member said. “She’s a real plugger.”

Katie’s father leaned forward aghast and said, “But my daughter doesn’t walk.”

“Oh,” the staff member said respectfully, “I didn’t know.”

While we should never judge someone until we’ve been in their shoes, it appears that this man viewed his daughter’s limitations as an unalterable fact. Whatever the cause, the father’s pessimistic attitude became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and did not reflect reality. Katie had the ability to walk, but her father would have difficulty seeing it on his own, because he was unable to perceive that possibility.

Believing is indeed seeing. Let us develop the necessary attitudes that will enable us to see the great blessings and potential in our lives, and in our community.

Hard - And Worth It

Hard - And Worth It

In this morning’s parsha we read about two objects that were impressively made from one single piece of metal.

                At the beginning of the Parsha, the Torah provides a one-pasuk description of the Menorah’s construction.

“This is the workmanship of the Menorah: hammered out of one piece of gold; from its base to its flowers it is hammered out.”

The fact that the Menorah was sculpted out of one piece of gold was a feat so impressive that (according to some commentators) even Moshe was stumped as to how the Menorah was to be built.

                Later in the Parsha, we read about the Chatzotzrot. Moshe was commanded to make two silver trumpets. Here again the Torah specifies that the trumpets must be “Miksha”, shaped out of a single piece of silver.

                Though not mentioned in our Parsha, there is one additional ritual object that had to be shaped from one piece. The Keruvim, which sat on top of the Holy Ark had to also be Miksha. (Terumah: 25:18)

                The word Miksha comes from the word Kasha, which means hard or difficult. To sculpt these elaborate objects can certainly be considered difficult. But why were these three items singled out for Miksha treatment? Is there any common thread between the Menorah, the trumpets and the Keruvim that can help shed light on this shared construction requirement?

                The key to understanding the Miksha factor is by seeking the symbolism inherent in each of the aforementioned items.

                The Menorah symbolizes Torah knowledge. The Talmud in Baba Batra learns from the position of the Menorah in the Mishkan (on the southern wall) that Harotzeh Sheyachkim Yadrim: one who wants to become wise must go south. Similarly the Midrash recounts how Moshe would meditate by the light of the Menorah when he was trying to figure out a particularly difficult lesson from Hashem.

                Keruvim represent children. Rashi in Parshat Teruma (25:18) quotes the Gemara in Sukah (5b) which states that the Keruvim looked like children.

                The Chatzotzrot symbolize happiness. In this morning’s Torah reading, the last pasuk relating to the trumpets sums up the instances in which they were to be blown (10: 10). The sound of the Chatztzrot was supposed to both foster and express our feelings of joy.

                Torah, children and happiness: three of the most fundamental and essential aspects of our lives. Each stands on its own as an important pursuit, and yet they are inextricably entwined one with the other. One might think that as fundamentals, success in these areas should be easy. Comes the Torah and tells us in each instance: “Miksha Hi.” They’re hard to accomplish and maintain. These three goals seem to pull us in three different directions. Spending time learning Torah versus time spent on maintaining the family. The financial stress of paying for a Jewish education for our children, and how much happier we imagine we could be without that expense.

                Some people believe that such tensions and questions are symptoms of a lack of faith and that the Torah has a clear answer for every situation.

                By examining the Menorah, the Chatzotzrot and the Keruvim, we are better equipped to appreciate that at times the Torah’s lesson is to embrace the challenge and the tension. By specifying these three objects the Torah teaches us that even with goals as essential as Torah, family and joy, it’s okay to say “Miksha Hi.” These things are hard. But these things are worth it. If we prioritize them and work towards these goals, then Hashem will help us enjoy the blessings of our successes.

Interpersonal Lessons from the Sotah Episode

Interpersonal Lessons from the Sotah Episode

                Parshat Nasso contains the Sota procedure. If a woman is suspected of engaging in an extra-marital affair, she may be brought to the Beit Hamikdash and forced to drink from the bitter waters prepared by the Kohen. In the water, the Kohen dissolves a piece of scroll that includes a curse that is written in our Torah portion and includes the Shem Hashem. Under normal circumstances, we are not allowed to erase God’s name. And yet in this case Hashem allows His name to be erased. Says Rabbi Meir, “I certainly cannot be more concerned with my honor than Hashem.”

                It’s a beautiful idea- Hashem is willing to have His name erased for Shalom Bayit, to promote domestic harmony (Makkot 11a). But it doesn’t fully answer the question: why does Hashem emphasize the importance of Shalom Bayit by allowing us to do something that is usually forbidden? The process of clarifying the Sotah’s status is miraculous enough: if she is innocent she is visibly blessed, and if she is guilty she is noticeably cursed. In a situation that is already devoid of the expected levels of G-dliness, why exacerbate the situation by physically erasing G-d’s name as part of the ceremony?

                Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian explains that by allowing His name to be erased, Hashem demonstrates His willingness to take initiative and extend Himself in ways He normally would not in order to improve the relationship between husband and wife. In so doing the Torah is teaching us an important lesson: When it comes to chesed, when it comes to promoting and enhancing our relationships, we must not take a wait and see attitude or merely be reactive. We must be proactive.

                When people ask me for marriage advice, I tell them I’m still (and always will be) in the learning phase, but that there is one lesson I have already learned: never take your marriage for granted. Never take any interpersonal relationship for granted. Relationships must constantly be nurtured and reevaluated. We must always be ready and willing to extend ourselves and take initiative on behalf of others- as Hashem teaches us by the Sotah waters.

                But extending oneself for the sake of peace sometimes is not enough. The second lesson we can learn is the need to be flexible. Under normal circumstances it is absolutely forbidden to erase the name of God. But to promote Shalom Bayit the Torah allows it. In so doing the Torah is encouraging us to also exhibit flexibility for the sake of peace.

                Former Illinois Sentator Everett Dirksen used to say:  “I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.”

                Isn’t that how our Halachik system works for the most part? There is a rule, and then there are the exceptions to the rule, when the rule does not apply, when we ignore that rule for some greater rule or some greater good. By erasing G-d’s name for the Sotah, the Torah is reminding us of the importance of flexibility within any interpersonal relationship.

Har Sinai and Har Hamoriah

Har Sinai and Har Hamoriah

               

It was a historic week in Jerusalem as the United States officially opened its embassy in Jerusalem. This is not the first time that Jerusalem and Shavuot coincided to make headlines.

Shavuot 1967: Grand Reopening of the Kotel for Jewish Prayer – a week after the end of the 6 Day War. NY Times covered the event with a special report in its June 14, 1967 issue.

The Times was not aware of just how appropriate it was for Shavuot to be celebrated in connection with the Kotel and Temple Mount. For Har Sinai (central to the Shavuot story) and Har Hamoriah (location of Temple Mount) are the two mountains most central to Jewish history and Jewish identity. Our Rabbis teach us just how interconnected the two locations are.

                On one hand: Har Sinai is the model/ inspiration for the Beit Hamikdash on Har Hamoriah:

1. Chazal teach us that the fire that constantly burned on the Mizbeach on Har Hamoriah had originally been lit from the fire that burned during Matan Torah on Har Sinai.

2. Vayikra Rabba: the sprinkling of blood that Moshe does at Har Sinai- marks the origins of sprinkling blood, so important in the Temple Service on Har Hamoriah

3. Ramban’s opinion that the purpose of the Mishkan is to be a mobile Sinai unit- to have an ongoing Revelation, similar to what occurred at Har Sinai- as the Jews make their way to Israel, and ultimately on Har Hamoriah in the Beit Hamikdash.

On the other hand: Mt. Sinai resembles what occurred earlier at Mt Moriah- at Akeidat Yitzchak. Rabbanit Shani Taragin notes the similarities:

1. At Har Sinai- the Jews prepared for 3 days before Revelation could occur- just like Avraham journeyed for 3 days prior to the Akeida

2. At Har Sinai: Moshe tells his colleagues to wait at the base of the mountain while he journeys upward- just like at Har Hamoriah, Avraham tells his escorts to wait for him at the foot of the Mountain while he journeys upward.

3. At Har Sinai- Bnai Yisrael saw God- just like at Har Hamoriah, Avraham declares “Behar Hashem Yeraeh”.

The relationship between Har Sinai and Har Hamoriah is symbiotic and synergistic. Each mountain teaches us lessons that can be derived from, and enhanced by, the other mountain.

It was personal sacrifice, journeying down the lonely road of submission to God and the countercultural beliefs demonstrated by Avraham at the Akeida on Har Hamoriah that set the paradigm for Bnai Yisrael. Avraham’s declaration of Hineni at Har HaMoriah inspired the nation’s declaration of Na’aseh V’Nishma (ie we submit to God even if we don’t understand) at Har Sinai.

It was a commitment to Jewish unity and collective responsibility exhibited by Bnei Yisrael at Har Sinai that was crucial for the nation’s development as they prepared to live a normal yet noble life in Eretz Yisrael, where their spiritual focal point was the Beit Hamikdash on Har Hamoriah.

                From Har Hamoriah we learn the value of personal identity and blazing one’s own trail. From Har Sinai we learn national identity, unity and appreciating the values of community and tradition. Though seemingly conflicting, these lessons must reside within one person, one spot, as the Midrash Tanchuma teaches us:  Sinai Meheichan Bah? MeHar Hamoriah Nitlash K’Challah Me’Isa.

                Har Sinai and Har Hamoriah come from the same location.  Har Hamoriah informs the Har Sinai experience, which then influences the Beit Hamikdash on Har Hamoriah. There is a tension between Har Hamoriah (personal identity) and Har Sinai (collective responsibility). Yet these two great mountains of Jewish history encourage us to understand how together they form a rich tapestry, critical to Jewish life.