Quality Moments AND Quantity Time

Quality time? Or Quantity time? Which is more important for those of us seeking to build and nurture our relationships as spouses, friends, and parents? The reviews are mixed.

Over the past 50 years, parents have greatly increased the amount of time they spend with their children. On average fathers are with their (waking) children 3 times more today than they were in 1965 (from 2.6 to 7.2 hours per week). And even as more mothers work outside of the home, the number of hours they are with their children has also increased - from 10.5 to 13.7 hours per week. Quantity of time is definitely up.

And yet a meta-study released a few years back indicated that the sheer quantity of time parents spend with their kids between the ages of 3 and 11 has virtually no relationship to how children turn out, and a minimal effect on adolescents.

The study found one instance when more parental face time with their children was actually harmful: when parents were stressed, sleep-deprived, guilty and anxious. This would lead one to consider quality time as most important.

In the aftermath of the study that highlighted quality time, Frank Bruni wrote a column in the NY Times entitled, “The Myth of Quality Time”. In extolling the virtues of quantity time he makes a convincing case that “There’s simply no real substitute for physical presence.” And “we delude ourselves when we say that we can plan instances of extraordinary candor…, (or) engineer intimacy in an appointed hour.” Since people don’t operate on cue, not every planned moment will work out as we hope. Like a nature photographer who waits for the most perfect confluence of nature and beauty to materialize in the shot- it takes time and physical presence. A lot of “down time” needs to be invested if we hope to capture that perfect moment, without it being merely staged or contrived.

In Parshat Vayigash we read about the reunion between Yosef and his family. After reuniting with his brothers, Yosef sent the brothers to tell Yaakov. At first Yaakov does not believe that Yosef is alive. He is only convinced when “he saw the wagons that Joseph had sent to carry him.” Only then are we told that “the spirit of their father Jacob was revived.” (45:27)

What was it about the wagons? Rashi explains that the wagons were a code that Yaakov understood could have only come from Yosef. The word for wagon- Agalah- is very similar to the word Eglah- as in Eglah Arufah, the ceremony undertaken when there is unsolved murder situated between two inhabited locations. Rashi quotes the Midrash that Yaakov and Yosef were learning about this topic right before Yosef disappeared.

Is it possible that Yaakov, at over 100 years old and after 22 years would pick up on this slight hint that Yosef was dropping? Yes.

This one-on-one Torah study time between Yaakov and Yosef was quality time- treasured by both father and son.  These consistent moments between loved ones stick in our memories and shape how we view ourselves and our relationships. The wagons reminded Yosef and Yaakov of quality time spent together, something that they would always remember.

A few weeks ago our shul experienced an amazing and inspiring moment when we welcomed former hostages Guy Gilboa Dalal and Evyatar David for their first public engagement since being freed from Gaza. While the quality of that moment is unparalleled, it is also difficult if not impossible to replicate it. We need to leverage high quality, high-impact moments like that to seek out more frequent opportunities to create sustained growth. Can we utilize that moment in shul to better appreciate the potential in attending shul every Shabbat, every day? How do we utilize the quality moments in order to motivate us to engage in the quantity moments more often and more deeply?

As parents, spouses and friends let us commit to valuing both quantity time and quality time- for our loved ones and for ourselves. 

The Shalom that We Seek is Provided by Chanukah

This week’s Dvar Torah is dedicated to the memory of the 15 souls who were murdered on Sunday in Sydney, Australia, at a Chanukah festival at Bondi Beach; and as a merit for healing for the dozens of Jews physically injured and the hundreds of Jews who were directly impacted by this terror incident.

We must give credit to the Rambam for “saving Chanukah” from rabbinic oblivion. Unlike the Talmud, Maimonides has an entire section of Halacha dedicated to the Laws of Chanukah (shared with the laws of Purim, the other rabbinic holiday). Among those laws, the Rambam includes some unusually flowery and complimentary words about the holiday (Laws of Chanukah 4:12): “The mitzvah of kindling Chanukah lamps is very dear. A person should be very careful in its observance to publicize the miracle and thus increase our praise of God and our expression of thanks for the miracles which He wrought on our behalf. Even if a person has no resources for food except [what he receives] from charity, he should pawn or sell his garments and purchase oil and lamps to kindle them in fulfillment of the mitzvah.”

We see here how the Rambam embraces and encourages the celebration of Chanukah first and foremost as a pretext for expressing gratitude. Grateful people are happier people. Grateful people get more accomplished. Grateful people are less likely to take things, and people, for granted. Celebrating Chanukah for eight days focused on gratitude to Hashem should enable us to be more grateful in all areas of our life. Perhaps this is how we should understand this unusual rule that one must sell their clothes to fulfill the mitzvah of Chanukah lights. Even after the poor person sells his clothing, s/he must still express gratitude. Expressing gratitude for the holiday will inevitably lead the person to find other reasons to be grateful, even in the midst of their difficult financial situation. Perhaps they are grateful for their health or their family or their life. And if the poor guy who has to sell his clothes to buy Chanukah candles can be grateful, then how much more so must we, who are not forced to sell our clothing to buy Chanukah candles, express gratitude on Chanukah for all of the blessings that we have.

As important as Chanukah candles are, the Rambam notes in a subsequent Halacha that there is one mitzvah, one light, that is more important. (14:14) “If a person has the opportunity to fulfill only one of two mitzvot, lighting a lamp for one's home [i.e., Sabbath candles] or lighting a Chanukah lamp - the lamp for one's home receives priority, since it generates peace within the home….And the entire Torah was given to bring about peace within the world….” Shabbat candles take priority over Chanukah candles because Shabbat candles foster Shalom Bayit, peace and harmony within the home. Consider these words of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks zt’l:  “Why did Judaism, alone among the civilizations of the ancient world, survive? Because it valued the home more than the battlefield, marriage more than military grandeur, and children more than generals. Peace in the home mattered to our ancestors more than the greatest military victory” A shul cannot replace the role that families play in the development and health of Jews and the Jewish People. Nonetheless, our shul is committed to supporting individuals and families spiritually, emotionally, and religiously as they navigate the challenges of life in the 21^st century. This commitment extends to women, men, and children; single individuals and married folks; families with children, single parent households, and couples without children. While Shalom Bayit is often associated with the spousal relationship, we seek to bring more Shalom, more peace and Godliness, to our Beit Knesset and to every home in our kehillah.

Truth, and Nothing but the Truth

At the end of Parshat Vayeshev Yosef shifts roles from dreamer to dream interpreter. After interpreting the Chief Butler’s dream, the Chief Baker decides to share his dream b/c: Vayar Sar Ha’Ofim ki TOV patar.” Rabbi Yaakov Mecklenburg, 19th century German Rabbi in his commentary HaKetav V’hakabalah explains that Tov here means “correct” or “true: Which begs the question: how could the baker know that Yosef’s interpretation was true, before it came to being?  Did Yosef have some inside information about the standing of these two prisoners? Did the dream of each one contain the interpretation for his friend’s dream? The Rashbam explains simply: Nikarin Divrei Emet- the truth speaks for itself.

We unfortunately live in an era where the self-evident nature of truth is no longer widely perceived. Perhaps it is due to the internet and the overwhelming amount of accessible, unverified (not fact checked) information. Perhaps it is due to the overall pervasiveness of relativism. Perhaps it is our skepticism towards those who claim to “know the truth.” Whatever the cause, the result is that we live in an age in which Lo Nikarin Divrei Emet: the truth is not self-evident. It seems that in today’s world people are comfortable with the notion that everyone can have their own, equally-valid truth. This attitude can lead to moral relativism and a decline of society.  A hallmark of greatness is the willingness to speak the truth- even when it is unpopular, even when it is dangerous. Yosef provides us with a model. At the beginning of the Parsha he speaks the truth of his dreams even though it is met with scorn by both his brothers and his father. He speaks the truth to the Wife of Potiphar even as it causes him to lose everything he had and lands him in jail. Finally, at the end of the Parsha, Yosef’s truth speaking is recognized by his fellow prisoners and declared to be Tov, good: not just now, but all along and always. Another speaker of truth is Yehuda. The Tosefta in Brachot quotes Rabbi Akiva’s question: By what merit did Yehuda become the tribe of the monarchy, Jewish leadership? One answer suggested is “Mipnei Shehodeh B’Tamar.” He admitted the truth of his mistake even though such an admission could have been very costly. Telling the truth can be impressive; and even ameliorate mistakes. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is inconvenient. Sometimes the truth is depressing. Nevertheless we must learn from the model of our forefathers, especially from Yosef and Yehuda, and be willing to speak the truth: in our homes, in our communities, and to the world. According to the Kabbalists, this world is an Olma D’shikra, a realm of deceit. The Talmud (Shabbat 55a) states that Chotamo shel Hakadosh Baruch Hu Emet: God’s signature is truth. The task for us then becomes clear: to speak the truth, and replace the deceit in this world with the sanctity of God’s signature characteristic: truth.

29th of November- This Year in Jerusalem

This past Shabbat, November 29th, marked the 78th anniversary of the historic United Nations vote in Swan Lake, NY that passed a resolution in favor of the Partition Plan and the creation of a Jewish state in what was then known as Palestine.  30 years after the Balfour Declaration, Palestine had reached a boiling point. Holocaust survivors languishing in Displaced Persons camps in Europe were doing all that they could to try and immigrate to Palestine. The British were getting tired of their Mandate in Palestine, especially as Jewish resistance became better armed and organized. Britain asked the United Nations to decide the future of the area. A UN committee recommended two states for two peoples. The recommendation was then sent to the full United Nations to deliberate. At that time the UN mostly deliberated- but rarely came to any decisions. And even when decisions were made they were rarely taken seriously during the UN’s infancy. Even with the early support of the United States and the Soviet Union (each with fascinating background stories of their own), the Jewish diplomatic core had to work very hard to get the 2/3 majority of “yes” votes for the resolution to pass.

This diplomacy and lobbying continued until the actual vote. The Jewish delegation viewed three countries as key for passing the resolution: Liberia, Haiti and the Philippines. A story is told that one Argentinien Jew followed a Latin American Ambassador to the UN into the restroom and banged on the stall door saying, “You promised to vote yes- and the vote has started!” The vote took place on Saturday night. Some who witnessed this historic event suggested that perhaps the vote could not take place Friday night because of the tradition that “Moshiach cannot come on Shabbat” (based on Talmud Eruvin 43a). Jews around the world held their breaths in anticipation. When the vote was over, “The resolution of the Ad Hoc Committee on Palestine was adopted by 33 votes (in favor), 13 against, 10 abstained.” After the vote, people were crying and embracing each other. Suzy Eban, wife of diplomat Abba Eban, recalled that after the vote she drove from Swan Lake to Manhattan in a car with her husband and Moshe Sharrett, Israel Foreign Minister-in-waiting. She noted that during the long car ride nobody said a word, describing the moment and the events of that day as “overpowering”.

Yehuda Avner was a diplomat author (of The Prime Ministers) and advisor to many of Israel’s Prime Ministers. In explaining the significance of November 29, 1947, he noted, “for 20 centuries Jews were the object of history- other people made our decisions. As of November 29, 1947, we suddenly became again the subject of history. We make decisions for ourselves. 

Last Shabbat November 29, Rebecca and I were fortunate to be in Jerusalem with our daughter Shoshana and our nephew Yehuda, both students at gap year programs in Israel. On Friday we had breakfast with 15 of our Hollywood girls studying in Israel, and on Saturday night we hosted a similar number of Hollywood boys for a Melava Malka. Each year Rebecca and I host a Shabbat lunch for 9th grade students in the Fall (this year’s Freshmen Lunch is scheduled for January 3) and for 12th grade students in the Spring. It is particularly meaningful when we meet up with students studying in Israel whom we hosted the year before when they were in 12th grade- and 5 years earlier when they first started high school. The pleasure of seeing the growth of our YIH students coincided with the pride we feel in the growth of our homeland from 29th of November 1947 to November 29, 2025.