After all the trials and challenges that Yosef experiences over the course of the past three Torah portions, Parshat Vayechi ends off on a note that seems to add insult to all of the previous injuries. Yosef was able to arrange for the burial of his father Yaakov back in Israel, instead of Egypt. On their way home from the funeral Joseph’s brother once again conspire against him: “They said, ‘perhaps Joseph will nurse hatred against us and then he will surely repay us all of the evil that we did to him.” To protect against that possibility they inform Yosef of a message their father Yaakov wanted him to know: Forgive your brothers. Were the brothers justified in having such a fear, or were they just slipping into old patterns in their thinking about their younger brother? Yosef responds by crying. Yosef cries at being unfairly suspected of wrongdoing. The brothers are not the first to be suspicious of Yosef, even at this late juncture in the story. The Talmud in Masechet Kallah (3a) develops an approach that views Yaakov as also being suspicious of Yosef’s righteousness at the initial meeting after decades of separation.
In last week’s Parsha (46:29) we read how during the reunion between Yaakov and Yosef, “Vayipol Al Tzavarav, Vayevk al tzavarav od.” “He fell on his neck, and he cried on his neck.”
The verse is ambiguous. Most commentators understand that Yaakov fell on his son’s neck, and Yosef cried in response. However Masechet Kalah explains that Yosef does both: Yosef fell on his father’s neck and Yosef wanted to kiss Yaakov. However Yaakov refused to be kissed by Yosef, as he would not allow himself to be kissed by someone whom he suspected of impropriety. Upon seeing that his display of affection would be rebuffed, Yosef cries in frustration at the injustice of it all. Masechet Kallah utilizes this approach to explain why at the time of Yaakov’s death we are told:
“Yosef fell on his father’s face, he wept over him and he kissed him.”
As Masechet Kallah puts it, “Yosef said, “I have been in the presence of my father for all these years and I have not kissed him. Now when I am about to bury him, should I not kiss him?” After all Yosef did for them, why does his family still suspect him of wrongdoing?
The answer is that although Yosef never once said the three words that would have cleared everything up, “I forgive you.” Sure, he says to his brothers, “It was all part of G-d’s plan, don’t worry about it.” But we all know that if a person responds to an apology by saying “don’t worry about it” – then we definitely have something to worry about. Yosef takes care of his father, but it appears that Yosef never sits down with his father to clear the air. If they had, then Yaakov would have realized the extent of Yosef’s righteousness and would not have suspected him of any wrongdoing. Instead of directly communicating, Yosef attempted to show his feelings through actions, but he had difficulty expressing himself. The man who had been dubbed Tzafnat Paneach, (revealer of secrets) could reveal other people’s secrets through dream interpretation. But he had a much more difficult time clearly revealing his feelings to others. There is an old adage that talk is cheap, and that what really counts is action. Nonetheless our words must be used to frame our actions. Actions can be misunderstood, words are much more difficult to misconstrue. Pirkei Avot says to say little and do much. Your words should be fewer than your actions- but you still need to say something! We must express ourselves, especially to our loved ones. Yosef may have done all the right things, but he failed to say the right things, to verbalize those feelings in a way that would have been clear and unambiguous. As we navigate the challenges of interpersonal relationships let us be ready and willing to not only do what needs to be done, but to say what needs to be said.
