The Effort Needed to Build Relationships

 This week I returned from our family vacation. We travelled through the Tri-State area of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut. We had a lot of family fun together, but a highlight of our trip was that we had a chance to reconnect and spend time with all of my children’s aunts and uncles, as well as most of their cousins. Many had not seen each other in close to two years.

        The Torah depicts sibling relationships as fraught with challenges, misunderstandings, even animus. The first siblings we meet are Kayin and Hevel; also the first instance of fratricide. Other times in the Torah, siblings don’t end up killing each other, but not due to lack of murderous intent and effort. The story of Yosef and his brothers is such a relationship. And even when the Torah depicts a sibling relationship that is by and large stable, there is inevitably some tensions, some sore spot that arises. One such example is the Torah’s depiction of Moshe’s relationship with his siblings.

        Beyond the Bible, too often family is taken for granted, especially when family members live in a different state and are not part of your daily or weekly life. Relationships require investment, and family relationships are no different. When we are young and the siblings all live together under one roof, we sometimes yearn for a day (or even a moment) when we are alone and our siblings are “out of our hair”. But sooner or later we grow up, and then the challenge is to find ways to maintain those sibling relationships that were just assumed and expected (maybe even resented) while we were growing up.

        Relationships don’t just happen. They require effort and initiative. They require thought and planning. They require both will and willingness. In Parshat Shoftim the Torah hints at these ingredients necessary to cultivate and maintain relationships. Just as sibling relationships are important, so too is fostering and maintaining relationships with Torah mentors and teachers. In Chapter 17, the Torah instructs us what to do when we have a question of Jewish law or Jewish practice (17:8)

כִּ֣י יִפָּלֵא֩ מִמְּךָ֨ דָבָ֜ר לַמִּשְׁפָּ֗ט בֵּֽין־דָּ֨ם | לְדָ֜ם בֵּֽין־דִּ֣ין לְדִ֗ין וּבֵ֥ין נֶ֨גַע֙ לָנֶ֔גַע דִּבְרֵ֥י רִיבֹ֖ת בִּשְׁעָרֶ֑יךָ וְקַמְתָּ֣ וְעָלִ֔יתָ אֶל־הַ֨מָּק֔וֹם אֲשֶׁ֥ר יִבְחַ֛ר ה אֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ בּֽוֹ:

        If a matter eludes you in judgment, between blood and blood, between judgment and judgment, or between lesion and lesion, words of dispute in your cities, then you shall rise and go up to the place the Lord, your God, chooses.

        Rashi notes that the words “go up” allude to the Temple Mount and the fact that the location of the Beit Hamikdash is elevated from a topography and spirituality perspective. Rashi, however, does not explain why the Torah must also command us to “rise up”. It seems that the Torah wants to emphasize that when it comes to cultivating and developing relationships, a key ingredient is “rising up” ie taking the risk and the initiative to approach the person in order to develop or strengthen the relationship.

        Chodesh Elul is an auspicious time to take the initiative and cultivate our relationship with Hashem. As the Torah suggests in Shoftim, I encourage you to do so. I, along with the rest of our Rabbis and Sara Frieberg, are eager to assist in your journey. I encourage you to “rise up”, contact one of us by phone or email and let us know how we can helpful to you on your journey.  Chodesh Elul is also a good time to remember how powerful it is to “rise up” by taking the initiative to strengthen our relationships with others, including family and friends.