The Best Self-Help Advice: Help Others

 Martin Luther King Jr. said the “surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.” Research published by a team of psychologists at the University of Missouri-Columbia suggests that our own happiness is, indeed, influenced by the kindness and generosity we show others. In one study, participants were approached on the street after parking their cars. They were given a few quarters by a research assistant and were asked to either feed their own parking meters or the meters of an adjacent car. The researchers then asked participants how happy they felt. Interestingly, people who fed others’ meters showed a greater boost in happiness than those who fed their own meters, despite not knowing who they were helping. In another experiment, the researchers asked participants to either recall a time they tried to make someone else happy or themselves. Participants were asked to write a few sentences describing the event and rate how happy it made them feel. Again, participants who were prompted to recall a time they tried to improve the happiness of someone else reported higher levels of remembered happiness than those who wrote about a time when they tried to improve their own happiness. The research squares with other studies showing how spending money on others increases one’s happiness more than spending money on oneself. But it’s not just financial generosity that has the power to increase our happiness — donating our time to someone in need, or simply adopting a mentality that puts others’ happiness above our own, has a positive impact on our psychological well-being. The researchers offer a good explanation for why they saw the results they did. They suggest that it has to do with our basic psychological need for “relatedness,” or feeling close to others. According to the researchers, an attempt to make another person happy inspires feelings of closeness which, in turn, explains why people end up feeling happy themselves. In relating the prohibition of charging interest to a fellow Jew, the Torah in Parshat Behar states (25:35): וְכִֽי־יָמ֣וּךְ אָחִ֔יךָ וּמָ֥טָה יָד֖וֹ עִמָּ֑ךְ וְהֶֽחֱזַ֣קְתָּ בּ֔וֹ. “If your brother becomes destitute and his hand falters beside you, you shall support him”. According to typical Hebrew grammar the correct word for “him” is “Oto”. The word “Bo” usually means “in it” or “through him”. The Skulene Rebbe explained that this pasuk hints at the fact that by helping the person in need you are really supporting and strengthening yourself. Over the years many thinkers, including Kant, Nietzsche, and Freud, have pondered whether humans can act in a purely altruistic manner or are there always ulterior motives when humans do good towards others. From a torah perspective the question is moot. As indicated by the pasuk in our Parsha, feeling good about doing good deeds for others is not a flaw, it’s a feature. As we close the Aron we say the pasuk from Mishlei “עֵץ־חַיִּ֣ים הִ֖יא לַמַּחֲזִיקִ֣ים בָּ֑הּ” Torah is a tree of life for those who take grasp of it. The Chofetz Chaim points out that according to proper grammar, the correct Hebrew word should be “Otah” and not “Bah”. By using this terminology we are reminding ourselves that by engaging in Torah we are strengthening ourselves. Torah is the best Self-Help book out there, because it emphasizes the fact that we are best helped when we help others.