40 Days, 40 Years and the Relativity of Time

Yesterday our son Eitan underwent an outpatient surgical procedure that, Baruch Hashem, went well. When it comes to the health and wellbeing of my children, I am a nervous person (as I think most parents are), often worrying about the “what ifs”. The two hours in the waiting room felt like much longer.

After surgery, our son had to undergo an x –ray. Suffice it to say, our three year old son was in no mood to be subjected to any more poking or prodding. So what could have been a 20 minute test ended up taking over an hour. And to me it felt a whole lot longer. After all, how is it possible for some of my hairs to turn from brown to grey within only a one hour timeframe?

With Eitan feeling a lot better today, it gives me the opportunity to reflect back and note how time is experienced so differently by different people in different circumstances. I don’t understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. But I do understand when parents of newborns say that the night lasted forever when their baby is not sleeping; while the parents of high school and college graduates comment to me how kids grow up in the blink of an eye. We all know how at times school classes can go by too slow, while summer vacation goes by too fast. And we all have had the feeling of particular minutes and hours ticking by tediously, while days and weeks (even years) zoom by.

Intellectually we know that every standard measurement of time- the minute, hour, day, week- is precisely the same.  The feeling of time moving slowly or quickly is up to us and our perspective. In order to “slow down time” we must exercise our mindfulness, the kavanah that we invest into our experiences. Time goes by slowly in a bad way when we do not appreciate the current experience, or when we are not focused on something that interests us or excites us. Time goes by quickly when we don’t take a moment to appreciate the good times; when we don’t “stop to smell the roses.”

In Parshat Shelach we read about the spies sent to check out the Land of Israel. We read that the spies toured the land for 40 days (13:25). Rashi quotes the Tanchuma that the land was too large to be toured in only 40 days, but that Hashem enabled a miracle to occur. The Midrash offers one approach as to why the miracle occurred. But I’d like to suggest a different possibility, in terms of the relative experience of time.

An experience that should have taken much longer is described as taking 40 days because the spies were not focused on the task. They were not being mindful of the experiences they were having- so time just flew by.

Perhaps this is another way of understanding the punishment meted out to the people in the aftermath of the spies:

בְּמִסְפַּר הַיָּמִים אֲשֶׁר תַּרְתֶּם אֶת הָאָרֶץ אַרְבָּעִים יוֹם יוֹם לַשָּׁנָה יוֹם לַשָּׁנָה תִּשְׂאוּ אֶת עֲו‍ֹנֹתֵיכֶם אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה וִידַעְתֶּם אֶת תְּנוּאָתִי

According to the number of days which you toured the Land forty days, a day for each year, you will [thus] bear your iniquities for forty years; thus you will come to know My alienation.”

The punishment of “a day for each year” is appropriate for the sin of the spies. Their mistake was rushing through their tour of Israel, so as a punishment they must spend 40 years contemplating the mistakes of 40 days.

Sometimes a year flies by like a day. Sometimes a day can feel like an entire year. As we enter into those lazy days of summer, let us resolve to live life to the fullest, with mindfulness and intention. In so doing we will automatically be blessed with “long days.”  

The Teacher and the Nurse: Models of Jewish Leadership

The Teacher and the Nurse: Two Models of Jewish Leadership

In Parshat Behaalotecha, Moshe expresses a level of frustration towards the Jewish People which we have yet to see during his leadership. He asks Hashem (11:12):

הֶאָנֹכִי הָרִיתִי אֵת כָּל הָעָם הַזֶּה אִם אָנֹכִי יְלִדְתִּיהוּ כִּי תֹאמַר אֵלַי שָׂאֵהוּ בְחֵיקֶךָ כַּאֲשֶׁר יִשָּׂא הָאֹמֵן אֶת הַיֹּנֵק עַל הָאֲדָמָה אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּעְתָּ לַאֲבֹתָיו:

Did I conceive this entire people? Did I give birth to them, that You say to me, 'Carry them in your bosom as the nurse carries the suckling,' to the Land You promised their forefathers?

Rav Soloveitchik noted the difference between a leader that is a “Rav” and a leader that is an “Omen”. Both types of leaders are called upon to teach, but the Omen (nurse) type of leader according to Rav Soloveitchik, “submerges his/her identity into that of the child.” A nurse considers his/her ambitions and needs to be secondary to those of the child.

A teacher retains his/her own identity, for he conveys specific knowledge. A nurse becomes one with the child.

In this pasuk, Moshe becomes aware of the fact that being a teacher does not suffice for Jewish leadership. They required a spiritual and emotional “nurse.”At this early stage of the people’s development as a nation, the Jews would be impulsive at times, and their complaints and concerns would not be able to be addressed rationally. Moshe was not sure he was capable of taking on all of these roles: not only to teach and command the people, but to guide, and inspire and transform them away from the tendencies that they acquired during their sojourn in Egypt.

To do this, it would not suffice for Moshe to give a good shiur, nor would it be enough to be bright and articulate. Moshe would have to nurture relationships with the People, by exhibiting patience, sympathy and empathy. It was this role as an Omen- type leader that Moshe knew was necessary, and yet he felt unqualified to take on. Hashem validates Moshe’s concern, evident from the fact that God does not criticize nor punish Moshe for his expressions of doubt and apprehension. Hashem concurs that the People would need more than just a teacher, they would need an Omen.

Today, the Jewish People need leaders that are more than just Rav’s; they must also be Omen’s.  As Rav Soloveitchik put it, today a demonstration of caring from a leader, is as important as a brilliant idea. Teachers must teach with feeling, as well as with clarity. Personal commitment, selflessness, empathy, and a willingness to submit one’s personal ego for the greater good are necessary in 21^st century Jewish leadership.

   

All of us are leaders to some people in some capacity. Let us learn the lesson of compassionate leadership taught to us by Moshe in this week’s Parsha. In so doing, may we merit to lead and to be led in ways that are both effective and spiritually nourishing 

Fundamentals First

וּבְצַלְאֵל בֶּן אוּרִי בֶן חוּר לְמַטֵּה יְהוּדָה עָשָׂה אֵת כָּל אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְהֹוָה אֶת משֶׁה

Bezalel, son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, had made all that the Lord had commanded Moses (Pekudei 38:22)

Rashi notes that the verse should have said that Betzalel did all that Hashem had commanded him (ie Betzalel). Instead it states that Betzalel did all that Hashem had commanded Moshe. Rashi explains that Moshe told Betzalel to build the vessels of the Mishkana nd only then to build the actual tabernacle. Betzalel questioned this order by pointing out that people first buy a house before they buy furnishings. Moshe admitted to Betzelel that Hashem had in fact commanded Moshe to first build the Tabenacle and only then to build the furnishings. Moshe then says that it seems as if Betzalel was standing in God's shadow ("Btzel Kel") for him to know those specifics.

We have to understand what was the difference of opinion between Moshe and Betzalel in terms of the order of comnstruction. and perhaps more fundamentally: why did Moshe diverge from Hashem''s command?

The actual Tabernacle was the basic unit of the Mishkan. It housed everything else and was the foundation of everything. On the other hand it was not as impressive or ornate or aesthetically inspirational. Moshe knew that the people were impressed by how things looked. He was worried how the Jews would respond if the first product of their efforts was a wooden tent covered with cloth. In order to inspire the people he wanted to start with the more impressive vessels, such as the Aron or the Menorah.

Betzalel knew better. Moshe was right: People are impressed by the aesthetics. But they need to be taught to that we start with the fundamentals. They may not be as  exciting or inspirational, but they are the basis upon which all other beautiful things can be built and housed. 

This message is so important for teachers, parents, spouses and really all of us to understand and live by: Fundamentals first. And from there we build the edifics into which we can add beauty, inspiration and aesthetics.

You Gotta Be Smart... If you Want To Be Smart

וּבְלֵב כָּל חֲכַם לֵב נָתַתִּי חָכְמָה וְעָשׂוּ אֵת כָּל אֲשֶׁר צִוִּיתִךָ:

"I have endowed the heart of every wise-hearted person with wisdom"

(Ki Tisa: 31: 6)

What sounds difficult to you about this phrase? For me the question is: Which came first? Were the people tasked with creating the Mishkan wise hearted already? And if so, why did Hashem need to give them wisdom, if they were already wise hearted? And if they wereonly wise after God endopwed them with wisdom, then why are they called "wise hearted" already at the beginning of the verse?

I believe that the answer is simple: If you want to become wise- you need to be wise. Even before one accumulates knowledge s/he needs to carefully craft a plan: Who will I learn from? How will I go about learning in an optimal fashion? And of course the wise-hearted understand at the outset that success is dependent on both his/her strategy as well as God's blessing- so prayer becomes a crucial factor in the plan.

It is in the merit of our being wise about our approach, that we hope to be blessed with the wisdom promised in this verse at a particular time and place, but useful for all of us, in every generation.

Be Cherubic When You Argue

In Parshat Terumah we are told about the construction of the Aron, including the Keruvim. We learn two seemingly contradictory things about the positioning of the Keruvim (25:20) One, that the Keruvim would be facing each other; and second, that the keruvim would be looking down towards the top of the Aron. Which one was it? Were the Keruvim looking at each other or were they looking down? Rabbi Nosson Adler explained that these two depictions are not contradictory: the Keruvim were facing towards each other, but both Keruvim were looking downwards. Rabbi Adler says that the posture of the Keruvim teaches us lessons on how two Jews should argue. First we must never turn our backs on each other, even when we profoundly disagree. The way to do that is by seeking the common ground. When we are talking about disagreements in Jewish life or in Jewish practice, our common ground is represented by the Torah. Both sides of the argument can be passionately be committed to the Jewish community and believe in the importance of Halacha/ Mesora/ (fill in the blank) and yet come to different conclusions. The same can be said concerning disagreements in American or Israeli politics. We can disagree with others without leveling ad hominem attacks, and while not being disagreeable. 

Seeing Beyond The Ego in Our Tefilot

Mishpatim 5775

This week’s 3 Minute Shiur is dedicated in memory of Sally Abramovitz, 

a longtime family friend

May her family be comforted, and her memory be a blessing for her family and friends.

In his Hilchot Tefilah, the Rambam quotes two verses as the Torah sources for tefilah, prayer. The first verse he quotes comes from this week’s Parsha, Mishpatim. “You shall serve Hashem your Lord, and He will bless your bread and water; and I will remove illness from your midsts.” (23:25). 

From the text of the verse, our introduction to prayer focuses on its self-serving benefits. This is what I have called “the gunball machine model of prayer”. God owns the gumball machine, and it is filled with all of the things we need and want: health, prosperity, physical pleasures of This World. The way we access the contents of God’s gumball machine is by inserting the proper coins. Here in Mishpatim we are informed that the coins that can access God’s candy for us is tefilah.

However the context surrounding this mention of prayer teaches us something more. Parshat Mishpatim is full of mitzvoth, many which govern civil society and our interpersonal relationships. It is specifically within this context that we should appreciate another, more sophisticated, aspect of prayer. Although prayer can be viewed as an egotistical endeavor, it is really a most selfless activity. Our prayers are not only for us; they are also on behalf of our Jewish brethren and all of humanity. Our requests in the Amidah are phrased in the first person plural (ie “heal US”) to emphasize this point. Prayer is an opportunity to contemplate and appreciate our responsibilities towards others.

When studying Torah we must look at both the text and the context. In the case of Parshat Mishpatim and prayer, the actual text focuses on the benefits of prayer for the individual. While the context of that verse encourages us to utilize prayer as an opportunity to strengthen our empathy and concern for others.

"Say Little And Do Much"- But You Have To Say Something!

After all the trials and challenges that Yosef experiences over the course of the past three Torah portions, Parshat Vayechi ends off on a note that seems to add insult to all of the previous injuries.

          

Due to his connections, Yosef was able to arrange for the burial of his father Yaakov back in Israel, instead of Egypt (which would have been preferable to Pharoh.) On their way home from the funeral Joseph’s brother once again conspire against him:

“They said, ‘perhaps Joseph will nurse hatred against us and then he will surely repay us all of the evil that we did to him.” To protect against that possibility they inform Yosef of a message their father Yaakov wanted him to know: Forgive your brothers.

          

Were the brothers justified in having such a fear, or were they just slipping into old patterns in their thinking about their younger brother?Yosef responds by crying. Yosef cries at being unfairly suspected of wrong doing.

          

The brothers are not the first to be suspicious of Yosef, even at this late juncture in the story. The Talmud in Masechet Kallah (3a) develops an approach that views Yaakov as also being suspicious of Yosef’s righteousness.

Earlier in Parshat Vayechi we read how late in Yaakov’s life, he summoned Yosef to make burial arrangements – and to bless his sons Efrayim and Menashe. Before blessing his grandchildren Yaakov asks Yosef “Mi Eleh?” “Who are these boys?” The Talmud explains that Yaakov suspected Yosef of being unable to live the life in Egypt committed to the morality demanded by the Torah. In response, Yosef says

“banai hem, asher natan Elokim Li BAZEH

“they are my sons, that G-d has given me BAZEH.

Yosef shows his father Yaakov his ketubah (and perhaps even his wife) to prove that these children were born in wedlock to a Jewish family.

          

Yaakov’s suspicion of Yosef began at the initial meeting after decades of separation.

In last week’s Torah portion, (46:29) we read how during the reunion between Yaakov and Yosef,

“Vayipol Al Tzavarav, Vayevk al tzavarav od.”

He fell on his neck, and he cried on his neck.”

The verse is ambigious, and the commentators try to make sense of what happened. Most understand that Yaakov fell on his son’s neck, and Yosef cried in response. However Masechet Kalah explains that Yosef does both actions: Yosef fell on his father’s neck and wanted to kiss Yaakov. However Yaakov refused to be kissed by Yosef, as he would not allow himself to be kissed by someone whom he suspected of impropriety. Upon seeing that his display of affection would not be received, Yosef cries in frustration at the injustice of it all. Masechet Kallah utilizes this approach to explain why at the time of Yaakov’s death we are told:

“Yosef fell on his father’s face, he wept over him and he kissed him.”

As Masechet kallah puts it, “Yosef said, “I have been in the presence of my father for the past thirty-three years  and I have not kissed him. Now when I am about to bury him, should I not kiss him?”

The fact that both his brothers and his father suspected Yosef’s sincerity and piety begs the question: why? Since their reunion Yosef has been nothing but nice to his family, ensuring that they were taken care. Yosef even arranged for special housing and professional accommodations for his family. After all he did for them, why do they still suspect him of wrongdoing?

          

The answer is that although Yosef may have treated his brothers in a way that seemed to demonstrate his feelings, he never once said the three words that could have cleared everything up, “I forgive you.” Sure he says to his brothers, “It was all part of G-d’s plan, don’t worry about it.” But we all know that if a person responds to an apology by saying “don’t worry about it” – then we definitely have something to worry about.

(similar to when a person prefaces their point by saying “with all due respect”- I know what’s coming next will be probably be rude and border on disrespectful).

          

Yosef takes care of his father, but it appears that Yosef never sits down with his father talk things through and clear the air. If they had, then Yaakov would have realized the extent of Yosef’s righteousness and would not have suspected him of any wrongdoing. Perhaps it was due to the difficulties he endured throughout his lifetime. Perhaps Yosef wondered what true feelings his father and brothers had towards him. Whatever it was, Yosef attempted to show his feelings through actions, but had difficulty expressing himself. The man who had been dubbed Tzafnat Paneach, revealer of secrets- could only reveal other people’s secrets through dream interpretation. But he had a much more difficult time clearly revealing his feelings to others.

          

There is an old adage that talk is cheap, and that what really counts is our actions. Nonetheless our words must be used to frame our actions. Actions can be misunderstood, words are much more difficult to misconstrue. Pirkei Avot says Emor Me’at Vasey Harbei, say little and do much. Your words should be less than your actions- but you still need to say something! We must express ourselves, especially to our families and our loved ones. Yosef may have done all the right things, but he failed to say the right things, to verbalize those feelings in a way that would have been clear and unambiguous.

          

As we think about the challenges that we face in our homes, communities and beyond, let us be ready and willing to not only do what needs to be done, but to say what needs to be said.