Complaining the Right Way

Mr. Cohen requests from his doctor at St. Andrew’s Medical Center to be transferred to Beth Israel hospital. After he’s transferred, the doctor at Beth Israel asks, “Mr. Cohen, what was wrong at St. Andrew’s? Was it the food?”  “No, the food was fine. I couldn’t complain.”  “Was it the room?”  “No, the room was comfortable,” replies Mr. Cohen. “I couldn't complain.”  “Was it the staff?”  “No, the staff was lovely. I couldn't complain.” “Then, Mr. Cohen, why did you want to be transferred here?” Mr. Cohen responds, “Because here, I can complain!”

          In Parshat Behaalotecha, Chapter 11 begins with the first of the Jewish People’s many complaints in the wilderness:

וַיְהִ֤י הָעָם֙ כְּמִתְאֹ֣נְנִ֔ים רַ֖ע בְּאָזְנֵ֣י ה

The people were looking to complain, and it was evil in the ears of the Lord.

          By qualifying that this complaint was viewed as evil, the Torah is implying that not all complaints are evil. There are complaints that are detrimental and complaints that can be constructive.

          Psychologist Guy Winch points out that complaining can be detrimental to our mental health. Today people have many dissatisfactions and frustrations. Our standard of living does not match up with the amount of complaining we do. At the same time, many of us believe that we're powerless to do anything or to get the results we want. This can leave us feeling helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves.

          On the other hand, complaining effectively and getting results can be incredibly empowering and it can affect our mood and self-esteem for the better. In his book, The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Winch reviews some of the key components of effective complaining: The biggest difference between effective and detrimental complaining is whether the complaint is framed in a way that seeks resolution. Do we complain just to vent and get things off our chests, without any expectations or game plan to help the situation? Then we are doomed to vicious cycles of chronic complaining. However, if we approach a complaint in a goal-oriented way, and that goal is to resolve the situation, then complaining can be very healthy and very useful. Other suggestions for positive complaining include:

1)    Think optimistically: go into a complaint confident that it can be resolved.

2)    Don’t complain in a blaming, hostile or criticizing manner. Such an approach only leads to defensiveness. Instead be empathetic, and understand both sides of the equation, even as you remain firm in your complaint.

          One of my favorite recommendations is to express complaints in the form of a complaint sandwich. The content of the complaint is specific and not generalized criticism. And that complaint is sandwiched between two more positive expressions: Start with something pleasant.  And then close with a request for a resolution in a positive fashion.

          Some suggest that Jewish complaining is based on the Jewish belief that there is always the possibility of improvement. When utilized appropriately both complaining and dissatisfaction can be positive attributes. The problem in the Midbar was not that Bnei Yisrael were complaining. The problem was that Bnei Yisrael were not complaining the right way, with the right mindset and right motivations. That’s why these complaints were evil in Hashem’s ears. Let us learn from their mistake by being careful that when we see the need to complain we do it in the right way.