Speak Softly (Big Stick Optional)

Once after church services, a pastor left his sermon on the lectern. A parishioner took a look and noticed that the pastor had written notes in the margins- instructions on HOW to deliver his remarks.

     One note said, “Go slow here, and emphasize.” Another note instructed: “Gesture upwards.” And at one point in the sermon the note read: “Argument very weak here. Yell loudly!”

     There’s a saying: “whoever shouts the loudest wins the argument.”

     There’s another saying “whoever shouts the loudest has the most to hide.”

     William Shakespeare said, “The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.”

     Shlomo Hamelech said it first דִּבְרֵ֣י חֲכָמִ֔ים בְּנַ֖חַת נִשְׁמָעִ֑ים מִזַּֽעֲקַ֥ת מוֹשֵׁ֖ל בַּכְּסִילִֽים: “The words of the wise are heard [when spoken] softly, more than the shout of a ruler of fools.”

     Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski utilizes this idea to explain Yehuda’s words to the viceroy of Egypt, whom we know to be his long lost brother Yosef, at the beginning of Parshat Vayigash:

וַיִּגַּ֨שׁ אֵלָ֜יו יְהוּדָ֗ה וַיֹּ֘אמֶר֘ בִּ֣י אֲדֹנִי֒ יְדַבֶּר־נָ֨א עַבְדְּךָ֤ דָבָר֙ בְּאָזְנֵ֣י אֲדֹנִ֔י . Then Judah approached him and said, "Please, my lord, let now your servant speak something into my lord's ears.”

     Yehuda believed that his argument for the release of Binyamin was very strong. In order to emphasize that what he was saying to Yosef was true and valid, Yehuda prefaced his argument by saying “I will speak softly. I will whisper my case into your ear.” 

     Yehuda is saying that he does not need to shout in order to make his point.  The content of Yehuda’s remarks will win the day, not the volume of how he says it.

     Here the Torah is teaching us effective communication. If you shout in an attempt to get your point across- the other person will most likely tune you out.

     Being loud betrays the weakness of your argument. Divrei Chachamim B’nachat nishma’in- we are heard best when we speak with resolve- but softly and gently.

     In his book, The Relationship Cure, Dr. John Gottman reveals that when it comes to assessing the meaning of what their partners are saying, only 7% of that meaning comes from the spoken word, while 38% comes from tone of voice and speech patterns. Words that were intended as neutral can become incendiary if spoken with a sarcastic, demeaning, or contemptuous tone of voice, causing the listener to feel hurt and disrespected.

     But while we’ve always known that tone of voice is an important part of clear communication, just how critical are things like vocal inflection, volume and pitch when it comes to the health of your relationship? According to a recent study that examined hundreds of conversations from over 100 couples during marriage therapy sessions- your tone of voice may be a key indicator of your marital success.

     Researchers at University of Southern California found that communication is not just about what you say, but how you say it. And the data showed that studying couples’ voices, rather than their behaviors, better predicted the eventual improvement or deterioration of the relationship. Whether we are seeking peace or need to do battle, let us appreciate the power of our spoken word. The loudest voices are not necessarily the correct voices. When we learn this lesson then we can hope to be heard, by others and by God.