Family First

This week we read about the request of the tribes of Gad and Reuven to settle on the      eastern bank of the Jordan and to not enter the Promised Land. The tribes of Gad and Reuven camped and traveled together on the same side of the Mishkan. These two tribes were also both firstborn sons to their respective mothers (ie Zilpah and Leah). According to the Midrash, both gad and Reuven were among the wealthiest tribes. They had many flocks of sheep and cattle, which explains why they were interested in remaining in the grasslands and pastures on the eastern bank of the Jordan.

The Midrash suggests, by way of criticism that it was because they were focused on their wealth that these two tribes chose to not enter Israel. We find in the text of the story itself this notion that the tribes of Gad and Reuven had an unhealthy fixation on wealth which lead to warped priorities. When the two tribes approached Moshe with their proposal to not enter Israel they said (Bamidbar 32:16): “We will build fenced-in enclosures for our cattle and cities for our young children.” They prioritize their cattle before their children. Moshe is then forced to correct them in an attempt to get them to prioritize correctly (Bamidbar 32:24): “Build cities for your young children (first) and fenced-in enclosures for your cattle.”

The question we must ask is: how could have Gad and Reuven had such mixed up priorities? The question is strengthened in light of another tradition related to the tribes of Gad and Reuven. The Talmud (Makot 10) notes that Hashem commanded Moshe to set aside six cities of refuge. Cities of refuge were used by accidental murderers. The same number of cities were set aside for the tribes of Gad and Reuven (and half of Menashe) as they were for the rest of the tribes. The Talmud notes this discrepancy and explains that there was a disproportionate amount of bloodshed in the territory of Gad and Reuven. We can suggest two contributing factors that may explain the breakdown in morals among the tribes of Gad and Reuven. First, the tribal leaders had a warped sense of priorities, as is on display when they prioritize their cattle over their children. A second  contributing factor may have been the lack of fathers present among these two tribes. The leaders of Gad and Reuven  promised to fight for the conquering and settling of Eretz Yisrael. This means that a generation of Reuvenite and Gadite  children grew up with fathers who were more absent than  present. While mothers are traditionally viewed as the predominant biological child-care provider, studies consistently show that children who don’t have a relationship with their father are more likely to be at risk for negative outcomes, including severe negative outcomes such as higher rates of incarceration.

This attitude towards children is already on display by the patriarch of the Reuven Tribe. In Parshat Mikeitz, the brothers of  Joseph are trying to convince Yaakov to allow Binyamin to travel to Egypt as per the demand of the viceroy. First Reuven approached his father and said (Bereishit 42: 37): “You may kill my two sons if I do not bring him back to you.” Reuven does not seem to have placed a very high value on the lives of his children. We therefore should not be all that surprised when Reuven’s descendants prioritize possessions over children.

While the mistaken priorities of Reuven (the man and the tribe) may seem obvious, it can be hard to always live our lives according to our professed priority for our family and our children. How many parents sacrifice time with their children for time they spend in the hopes of getting ahead professionally? How many of us interrupt time with our children to take a work call or respond to an email that’s not an emergency? As we read about Gad and Reuven let’s remember to have the right priorities. And just important as it is to have proper priorities is to make sure that we live according to those priorities.