The Gemara in Kiddushin attempts to understand the progression of topics in Parshat Behar. Rabbi Yosi ben Chama views all of the topics as a progression of punishments for not observing the Sabbatical year, the first topic in the Parsha. One who violates Shmittah will be punished with poverty and be forced to sell his possessions. If he does not repent he will then be forced to sell his land. Then his economic situation will deteriorate such that he feels compelled to borrow on interest. The final fall for this unrepentant sinner will be that he will be sold into slavery to a non-Jew. In describing this downward spiral, the Talmud is emphasizing that if mistakes are left uncorrected they can have a snowball effect. We believe in reward and punishment, and it seems that the Talmud is blaming this person for his worsening predicament. Oscar Wilde once said: “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.” Blame can feel justified and satisfying. It is a convenient way to avoid responsibility. Blaming others allows a person to maintain their innocence. Blame can feel especially satisfying in a situation where a person did something after being advised against it. Saying “I told you so” can feel very good in the moment. But in the long run, blame is very detrimental. Renowned psychologist (and Orthodox Jew) John Gottman calls blame one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. Blame is one of four behaviors that cause the most trouble in a relationship (along with criticism, contempt and stonewalling.) When we blame others, we let ourselves off the hook. Blaming gives us an excuse not to intervene with assistance. Blaming causes us to miss opportunities to use the experience to grow or to attain new skills. In a relationship (between spouses, or parents and children) blame can create this never ending cycle. Sometimes referred to as the “blame game”, but there is nothing fun about it. Back to Kiddushin, can the Talmud really be advocating that we blame the Shemitah violator for his misfortune? The very next statement in the Talmud quotes the sage Abaye who says, “I might have said, since this person brought the situation onto himself, ‘let us push the boulder after the one who has fallen.’ The pasuk comes to tell us that we take a different tact: the person must be redeemed from his servitude.” The Talmud first prepared us to blame the sinner for his misfortune. Yet Abaye comes and teaches us not to blame, but to pity. Do not push the boulder on top of the person who has fallen. The fact that his life has spiraled downward is more of a reason to help, not less. Instead of attributing his behavior to evil intent, let us attribute it to unfortunate circumstances. Instead of blame, we must provide compassion and understanding. We are left with conflicting messages in the Talmud: To blame or not to blame, that is the question. The answer is that we need to emulate Hashem. We ask that He be kind and compassionate and forgiving, even when we do something wrong and we should have known better. Even when God has every right to tell us “It’s your fault” or “I told you so”, even in those situations we ask Him to put blame aside and focus on helping us. We must strive to act similarly. It is important to remember that actions have consequences and that good actions are rewarded and the reverse is also true. And self-blame at times might be used in a constructive, growth-oriented manner. But when real people are enduring real difficulties, blame is not an option. Our efforts must be utilized to help the person in front of us. Abaye teaches us that if we must be blamed for something, let us be blamed for being too compassionate.
