Actions May Be Loud, But Words Are Also Necessary

After all the trials and challenges that Yosef experiences over the course of the past three Torah portions, Parshat Vayechi ends off on a note that seems to add insult to all of the previous injuries. Yosef was able to arrange for the burial of his father Yaakov back in Israel, instead of Egypt. On their way home from the funeral Joseph’s brother once again conspire against him: “They said, ‘perhaps Joseph will nurse hatred against us and then he will surely repay us all of the evil that we did to him.” To protect against that possibility they inform Yosef of a message their father Yaakov wanted him to know: Forgive your brothers. Were the brothers justified in having such a fear, or were they just slipping into old patterns in their thinking about their younger brother? Yosef responds by crying. Yosef cries at being unfairly suspected of wrongdoing. The brothers are not the first to be suspicious of Yosef, even at this late juncture in the story. The Talmud in Masechet Kallah (3a) develops an approach that views Yaakov as also being suspicious of Yosef’s righteousness at the initial meeting after decades of separation.

In last week’s Parsha (46:29) we read how during the reunion between Yaakov and Yosef, “Vayipol Al Tzavarav, Vayevk al tzavarav od.” “He fell on his neck, and he cried on his neck.”

The verse is ambiguous. Most commentators understand that Yaakov fell on his son’s neck, and Yosef cried in response. However Masechet Kalah explains that Yosef does both: Yosef fell on his father’s neck and Yosef wanted to kiss Yaakov. However Yaakov refused to be kissed by Yosef, as he would not allow himself to be kissed by someone whom he suspected of impropriety. Upon seeing that his display of affection would be rebuffed, Yosef cries in frustration at the injustice of it all. Masechet Kallah utilizes this approach to explain why at the time of Yaakov’s death we are told:

“Yosef fell on his father’s face, he wept over him and he kissed him.”

As Masechet Kallah puts it, “Yosef said, “I have been in the presence of my father for all these years and I have not kissed him. Now when I am about to bury him, should I not kiss him?” After all Yosef did for them, why does his family still suspect him of wrongdoing? 

The answer is that although Yosef never once said the three words that would have cleared everything up, “I forgive you.” Sure, he says to his brothers, “It was all part of G-d’s plan, don’t worry about it.” But we all know that if a person responds to an apology by saying “don’t worry about it” – then we definitely have something to worry about. Yosef takes care of his father, but it appears that Yosef never sits down with his father to clear the air. If they had, then Yaakov would have realized the extent of Yosef’s righteousness and would not have suspected him of any wrongdoing. Instead of directly communicating, Yosef attempted to show his feelings through actions, but he had difficulty expressing himself. The man who had been dubbed Tzafnat Paneach, (revealer of secrets) could reveal other people’s secrets through dream interpretation. But he had a much more difficult time clearly revealing his feelings to others. There is an old adage that talk is cheap, and that what really counts is action. Nonetheless our words must be used to frame our actions. Actions can be misunderstood, words are much more difficult to misconstrue. Pirkei Avot says to say little and do much. Your words should be fewer than your actions- but you still need to say something! We must express ourselves, especially to our loved ones. Yosef may have done all the right things, but he failed to say the right things, to verbalize those feelings in a way that would have been clear and unambiguous. As we navigate the challenges of interpersonal relationships let us be ready and willing to not only do what needs to be done, but to say what needs to be said.

Quality Moments AND Quantity Time

Quality time? Or Quantity time? Which is more important for those of us seeking to build and nurture our relationships as spouses, friends, and parents? The reviews are mixed.

Over the past 50 years, parents have greatly increased the amount of time they spend with their children. On average fathers are with their (waking) children 3 times more today than they were in 1965 (from 2.6 to 7.2 hours per week). And even as more mothers work outside of the home, the number of hours they are with their children has also increased - from 10.5 to 13.7 hours per week. Quantity of time is definitely up.

And yet a meta-study released a few years back indicated that the sheer quantity of time parents spend with their kids between the ages of 3 and 11 has virtually no relationship to how children turn out, and a minimal effect on adolescents.

The study found one instance when more parental face time with their children was actually harmful: when parents were stressed, sleep-deprived, guilty and anxious. This would lead one to consider quality time as most important.

In the aftermath of the study that highlighted quality time, Frank Bruni wrote a column in the NY Times entitled, “The Myth of Quality Time”. In extolling the virtues of quantity time he makes a convincing case that “There’s simply no real substitute for physical presence.” And “we delude ourselves when we say that we can plan instances of extraordinary candor…, (or) engineer intimacy in an appointed hour.” Since people don’t operate on cue, not every planned moment will work out as we hope. Like a nature photographer who waits for the most perfect confluence of nature and beauty to materialize in the shot- it takes time and physical presence. A lot of “down time” needs to be invested if we hope to capture that perfect moment, without it being merely staged or contrived.

In Parshat Vayigash we read about the reunion between Yosef and his family. After reuniting with his brothers, Yosef sent the brothers to tell Yaakov. At first Yaakov does not believe that Yosef is alive. He is only convinced when “he saw the wagons that Joseph had sent to carry him.” Only then are we told that “the spirit of their father Jacob was revived.” (45:27)

What was it about the wagons? Rashi explains that the wagons were a code that Yaakov understood could have only come from Yosef. The word for wagon- Agalah- is very similar to the word Eglah- as in Eglah Arufah, the ceremony undertaken when there is unsolved murder situated between two inhabited locations. Rashi quotes the Midrash that Yaakov and Yosef were learning about this topic right before Yosef disappeared.

Is it possible that Yaakov, at over 100 years old and after 22 years would pick up on this slight hint that Yosef was dropping? Yes.

This one-on-one Torah study time between Yaakov and Yosef was quality time- treasured by both father and son.  These consistent moments between loved ones stick in our memories and shape how we view ourselves and our relationships. The wagons reminded Yosef and Yaakov of quality time spent together, something that they would always remember.

A few weeks ago our shul experienced an amazing and inspiring moment when we welcomed former hostages Guy Gilboa Dalal and Evyatar David for their first public engagement since being freed from Gaza. While the quality of that moment is unparalleled, it is also difficult if not impossible to replicate it. We need to leverage high quality, high-impact moments like that to seek out more frequent opportunities to create sustained growth. Can we utilize that moment in shul to better appreciate the potential in attending shul every Shabbat, every day? How do we utilize the quality moments in order to motivate us to engage in the quantity moments more often and more deeply?

As parents, spouses and friends let us commit to valuing both quantity time and quality time- for our loved ones and for ourselves. 

The Shalom that We Seek is Provided by Chanukah

This week’s Dvar Torah is dedicated to the memory of the 15 souls who were murdered on Sunday in Sydney, Australia, at a Chanukah festival at Bondi Beach; and as a merit for healing for the dozens of Jews physically injured and the hundreds of Jews who were directly impacted by this terror incident.

We must give credit to the Rambam for “saving Chanukah” from rabbinic oblivion. Unlike the Talmud, Maimonides has an entire section of Halacha dedicated to the Laws of Chanukah (shared with the laws of Purim, the other rabbinic holiday). Among those laws, the Rambam includes some unusually flowery and complimentary words about the holiday (Laws of Chanukah 4:12): “The mitzvah of kindling Chanukah lamps is very dear. A person should be very careful in its observance to publicize the miracle and thus increase our praise of God and our expression of thanks for the miracles which He wrought on our behalf. Even if a person has no resources for food except [what he receives] from charity, he should pawn or sell his garments and purchase oil and lamps to kindle them in fulfillment of the mitzvah.”

We see here how the Rambam embraces and encourages the celebration of Chanukah first and foremost as a pretext for expressing gratitude. Grateful people are happier people. Grateful people get more accomplished. Grateful people are less likely to take things, and people, for granted. Celebrating Chanukah for eight days focused on gratitude to Hashem should enable us to be more grateful in all areas of our life. Perhaps this is how we should understand this unusual rule that one must sell their clothes to fulfill the mitzvah of Chanukah lights. Even after the poor person sells his clothing, s/he must still express gratitude. Expressing gratitude for the holiday will inevitably lead the person to find other reasons to be grateful, even in the midst of their difficult financial situation. Perhaps they are grateful for their health or their family or their life. And if the poor guy who has to sell his clothes to buy Chanukah candles can be grateful, then how much more so must we, who are not forced to sell our clothing to buy Chanukah candles, express gratitude on Chanukah for all of the blessings that we have.

As important as Chanukah candles are, the Rambam notes in a subsequent Halacha that there is one mitzvah, one light, that is more important. (14:14) “If a person has the opportunity to fulfill only one of two mitzvot, lighting a lamp for one's home [i.e., Sabbath candles] or lighting a Chanukah lamp - the lamp for one's home receives priority, since it generates peace within the home….And the entire Torah was given to bring about peace within the world….” Shabbat candles take priority over Chanukah candles because Shabbat candles foster Shalom Bayit, peace and harmony within the home. Consider these words of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks zt’l:  “Why did Judaism, alone among the civilizations of the ancient world, survive? Because it valued the home more than the battlefield, marriage more than military grandeur, and children more than generals. Peace in the home mattered to our ancestors more than the greatest military victory” A shul cannot replace the role that families play in the development and health of Jews and the Jewish People. Nonetheless, our shul is committed to supporting individuals and families spiritually, emotionally, and religiously as they navigate the challenges of life in the 21^st century. This commitment extends to women, men, and children; single individuals and married folks; families with children, single parent households, and couples without children. While Shalom Bayit is often associated with the spousal relationship, we seek to bring more Shalom, more peace and Godliness, to our Beit Knesset and to every home in our kehillah.

Truth, and Nothing but the Truth

At the end of Parshat Vayeshev Yosef shifts roles from dreamer to dream interpreter. After interpreting the Chief Butler’s dream, the Chief Baker decides to share his dream b/c: Vayar Sar Ha’Ofim ki TOV patar.” Rabbi Yaakov Mecklenburg, 19th century German Rabbi in his commentary HaKetav V’hakabalah explains that Tov here means “correct” or “true: Which begs the question: how could the baker know that Yosef’s interpretation was true, before it came to being?  Did Yosef have some inside information about the standing of these two prisoners? Did the dream of each one contain the interpretation for his friend’s dream? The Rashbam explains simply: Nikarin Divrei Emet- the truth speaks for itself.

We unfortunately live in an era where the self-evident nature of truth is no longer widely perceived. Perhaps it is due to the internet and the overwhelming amount of accessible, unverified (not fact checked) information. Perhaps it is due to the overall pervasiveness of relativism. Perhaps it is our skepticism towards those who claim to “know the truth.” Whatever the cause, the result is that we live in an age in which Lo Nikarin Divrei Emet: the truth is not self-evident. It seems that in today’s world people are comfortable with the notion that everyone can have their own, equally-valid truth. This attitude can lead to moral relativism and a decline of society.  A hallmark of greatness is the willingness to speak the truth- even when it is unpopular, even when it is dangerous. Yosef provides us with a model. At the beginning of the Parsha he speaks the truth of his dreams even though it is met with scorn by both his brothers and his father. He speaks the truth to the Wife of Potiphar even as it causes him to lose everything he had and lands him in jail. Finally, at the end of the Parsha, Yosef’s truth speaking is recognized by his fellow prisoners and declared to be Tov, good: not just now, but all along and always. Another speaker of truth is Yehuda. The Tosefta in Brachot quotes Rabbi Akiva’s question: By what merit did Yehuda become the tribe of the monarchy, Jewish leadership? One answer suggested is “Mipnei Shehodeh B’Tamar.” He admitted the truth of his mistake even though such an admission could have been very costly. Telling the truth can be impressive; and even ameliorate mistakes. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is inconvenient. Sometimes the truth is depressing. Nevertheless we must learn from the model of our forefathers, especially from Yosef and Yehuda, and be willing to speak the truth: in our homes, in our communities, and to the world. According to the Kabbalists, this world is an Olma D’shikra, a realm of deceit. The Talmud (Shabbat 55a) states that Chotamo shel Hakadosh Baruch Hu Emet: God’s signature is truth. The task for us then becomes clear: to speak the truth, and replace the deceit in this world with the sanctity of God’s signature characteristic: truth.

29th of November- This Year in Jerusalem

This past Shabbat, November 29th, marked the 78th anniversary of the historic United Nations vote in Swan Lake, NY that passed a resolution in favor of the Partition Plan and the creation of a Jewish state in what was then known as Palestine.  30 years after the Balfour Declaration, Palestine had reached a boiling point. Holocaust survivors languishing in Displaced Persons camps in Europe were doing all that they could to try and immigrate to Palestine. The British were getting tired of their Mandate in Palestine, especially as Jewish resistance became better armed and organized. Britain asked the United Nations to decide the future of the area. A UN committee recommended two states for two peoples. The recommendation was then sent to the full United Nations to deliberate. At that time the UN mostly deliberated- but rarely came to any decisions. And even when decisions were made they were rarely taken seriously during the UN’s infancy. Even with the early support of the United States and the Soviet Union (each with fascinating background stories of their own), the Jewish diplomatic core had to work very hard to get the 2/3 majority of “yes” votes for the resolution to pass.

This diplomacy and lobbying continued until the actual vote. The Jewish delegation viewed three countries as key for passing the resolution: Liberia, Haiti and the Philippines. A story is told that one Argentinien Jew followed a Latin American Ambassador to the UN into the restroom and banged on the stall door saying, “You promised to vote yes- and the vote has started!” The vote took place on Saturday night. Some who witnessed this historic event suggested that perhaps the vote could not take place Friday night because of the tradition that “Moshiach cannot come on Shabbat” (based on Talmud Eruvin 43a). Jews around the world held their breaths in anticipation. When the vote was over, “The resolution of the Ad Hoc Committee on Palestine was adopted by 33 votes (in favor), 13 against, 10 abstained.” After the vote, people were crying and embracing each other. Suzy Eban, wife of diplomat Abba Eban, recalled that after the vote she drove from Swan Lake to Manhattan in a car with her husband and Moshe Sharrett, Israel Foreign Minister-in-waiting. She noted that during the long car ride nobody said a word, describing the moment and the events of that day as “overpowering”.

Yehuda Avner was a diplomat author (of The Prime Ministers) and advisor to many of Israel’s Prime Ministers. In explaining the significance of November 29, 1947, he noted, “for 20 centuries Jews were the object of history- other people made our decisions. As of November 29, 1947, we suddenly became again the subject of history. We make decisions for ourselves. 

Last Shabbat November 29, Rebecca and I were fortunate to be in Jerusalem with our daughter Shoshana and our nephew Yehuda, both students at gap year programs in Israel. On Friday we had breakfast with 15 of our Hollywood girls studying in Israel, and on Saturday night we hosted a similar number of Hollywood boys for a Melava Malka. Each year Rebecca and I host a Shabbat lunch for 9th grade students in the Fall (this year’s Freshmen Lunch is scheduled for January 3) and for 12th grade students in the Spring. It is particularly meaningful when we meet up with students studying in Israel whom we hosted the year before when they were in 12th grade- and 5 years earlier when they first started high school. The pleasure of seeing the growth of our YIH students coincided with the pride we feel in the growth of our homeland from 29th of November 1947 to November 29, 2025.

Attitude of Gratitude On This Thanksgiving Weekend

 George Washington was inaugurated as the first President of the United States on April 30, 1789. On October 3rd of that year, Washington issued the first Thanksgiving Day Proclamation, assigning Thursday November 26, 1789 as a day: “To be devoted by the people of These States to the Service of the Great and Glorious Being, who is the beneficent Author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be.”236 years later, we continue to celebrate this American holiday that allows people of all religions, and even those without religion, an opportunity to express gratitude- whether it be to G-d, fate, or luck, as well as to family and friends. On November 26, 1789 Gershon Mendes Seixas delivered a sermon in honor of the first Thanksgiving, at the request of his congregation, Shearith Israel (The Spanish Portuguese Synagogue): After all these years it has not lost its relevance. I quote for you some of its contents:

“It is necessary that we, each of us in our respective stations, behave in such a manner as to give strength and stability to the laws entered into by our representatives… to consider the burden imparted on those who are appointed to act in the executive department….If to seek the peace and prosperity of the city wherein we dwell be a duty, even under bad governments, what must it be when we are situated under the best of constitutions?”

We must show our gratitude by living as law abiding citizens, and by recognizing the tremendous efforts it takes to create and maintain our democratic country. Seixas continued:

And lastly, it is incumbent on us as Jews in a more especial manner (seeing we are the chosen and peculiar treasure of G-d) to be more circumspect in our conduct, that as we are at this day living evidences of His Divine Power and Unity, so may we become striking examples to the nations of the earth hereafter as mentioned in Exodus “You shall be unto me a Kingdom of Priests and a Holy Nation.”

Thanksgiving Weekend/ Shabbat Vayeitzei remind us that gratitude is an attitude that needs to be cultivated. Some of the ways suggested by author Lauren Aaronson (Psychology Today) to cultivate gratitude is:

1)            Write a gratitude letter: a kind of belated thank you note to someone in your life. Studies show that such letters provide long-lasting mood boosts to the writer. Want to make the experience have even more impact? After writing the letter, go and read it to the person to whom you wish to thank.

2)            Keep a gratitude journal. Take a few minutes out of the day to jot down things that make you feel thankful, whether its generosity of friends, food on the table. Studies have shown that people who follow this routine for a few weeks feel better about them, have more energy and feel more alert.

3)            “Fake it until you make it“- even if you don’t feel like expressing gratitude, say thank you anyways. It may take some time, but soon enough your mind will fall in line with your words.

Jews are called Yehudim, those who descend from Yehuda (named in this week’s Parsha) but also from the word “Todah”, for we must understand that essential to our Jewish identity is the attribute of gratitude. On this Thanksgiving Weekend/ Shabbat Vayeitzei let us resolve to cultivate our sense of gratitude: whether towards Hashem our family and friends, or our country.

Combating Cynicism

  “And these are the offspring of Isaac, the son of Avraham- Avraham begot Isaac. "The first verse in this week’s Parsha seems redundant. Why repeat the fact that Avraham was the father of Yitzchak twice in one Pasuk?! Rashi quotes the Midrash that there were “Leitzanei Hador”, scoffers, who cast aspersions about Avraham’s paternity. They noted that Sarah and Avraham were married for many years without children. And Sarah had a child after being taken by Avimelech, King of the Plishtim. The Midrash continues that to ensure no one would believe such lies, Hashem made sure that the family resemblance between Avraham and Yitzchak was uncanny. The question is: Does it matter to G-d what the Leitzanei Hador were saying? Let the scoffers think and say whatever they want. We know the truth. So why did G-d intercede in order to silence the nay-sayers? Rabbi Mordechai Gifter explained that this Midrash highlights the destructive power of cynicism. Once expressed, it has the power to infect everything around it. The genetic relationship between each of our forefathers is integral to our tradition. To allow cynics to question this truth would have been a devastating blow to Judaism. The Midrash is teaching us that cynicism is so sinister that G-d intervenes to curtail its effects. Historically, there was a school of ancient philosophy called Cynicism. It is believed that there is neither absolute truth nor intrinsic goodness in this universe. Although such an outlook seems to be depressing, one of the most famous Cynics, Diogenes, reacted to this realization with humor. He described the human condition as being like a dog trying to catch its own tail. After adopting Cynicism, Diogenes spent his life aimlessly wandering the beaches of Greece, enjoying the warm weather. Thousands of disciples followed him, and he would stop along the beach and give lectures full of sarcastic remarks about society. Today, cynicism is defined as an attitude of jaded negativity. People are not born cynical. Children are generally optimistic and trusting. But at some point, we all experience a challenge to this worldview. Somebody may disappoint us. Or something that we expected to happen does not materialize. Researchers from Yale University found that children begin to demonstrate cynical tendencies at around the second grade. Cynicism is rampant in today’s society. People are cynical about politics and politicians. People are cynical about society. Skepticism is not the same as cynicism. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch praised the skepticism that Bnei Yisrael exhibited towards every one of Moshe’s accomplishments. Rav Hirsch explains that had the Jews been completely enamored, later generations would have suspected that their ancestors were intellectual pushovers who had been impressed by some charismatic leader. It was precisely because of their initial skepticism that allowed for their later enthusiastically embraced Torah. In the first Aliyah, we also read how Eisav traded his birthright for a bowl of lentils: “Eisav ate and drank, got up and left, and Eisav despised the birthright.” Like the Leitzanei HaDor, the verse tells us that Eisav acted cynically. Eisav’s wickedness is shown here through this cynicism. Parshat Toldot teaches us that cynicism can be a destructive force within our lives.  Judaism vehemently objects to the philosophy of the ancient Cynics. We can question, we can even be disappointed by people and events- but we should never, ever, lose faith.