Be A Part of the Triple P (Positive Peer Pressure) Revolution

In the past few days I have had a number of conversations with parents in our community. A common theme among these conversations was how challenging certain aspects of parenting can be. One of those challenges is getting kids to meaningfully engage and participate in Shabbat programming at shul- whether at the youth minyan, teen minyan, or Shabbat morning groups. The parents expressed frustration that many other children do not participate in any program and this creates a “negative peer pressure” that encourages kids to avoid meaningful youth programs available to them; and instead they hang out with their friends outside of any program or minyan.

Peer pressure is a powerful force. We learn this from Rivka, whom we are introduced in this week’s Parsha as the wife of Yitzchak. At the beginning of next week’s Parsha, Toldot, we summarize the events that are described in Chayei Sara:

And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebecca the daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Padan Aram, the sister of Laban the Aramean, to himself for a wife.

כוַיְהִי יִצְחָק בֶּן אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה בְּקַחְתּוֹ אֶת רִבְקָה בַּת בְּתוּאֵל הָאֲרַמִּי מִפַּדַּן אֲרָם אֲחוֹת לָבָן הָאֲרַמִּי לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה:

Rashi quotes the Midrash concerning the description of Rivka in this verse:

the daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Padan-Aram, the sister of Laban:Was it not already written that she was the daughter of Bethuel and the sister of Laban and from Padan-Aram? But this is to tell her praise, that she was the daughter of a wicked man and the sister of a wicked man and her place was [inhabited by] wicked people, but she did not learn from their deeds. [From Gen. Rabbah 63:4]

בת בתואל מפדן ארם אחות לבן: וכי עדיין לא נכתב שהיא בת בתואל ואחות לבן ומפדן ארם, אלא להגיד שבחה שהיתה בת רשע ואחות רשע ומקומה אנשי רשע, ולא למדה ממעשיהם:

Not only was Rivka kind and modest and strong, but she did so in the face of tremendous familial pressure to act in a contrary fashion. Jews in America, as a minority religion, must overcome peer pressure from society. Observant Jews confront even greater degrees of peer pressure as we are challenged on a number of facets of our lives that are influenced by our commitment to our religion (“do you really need to eat kosher?” or “Simchat Torah- you’re making up that holiday to get an extra day of work off!”)

It is unfortunate that even within our shul, there are children and adults that feel a negative peer pressure that leads them to behaviors that are not spiritually enriching or not as meaningful as other activities that are offered on our synagogue campus.

But here’s the secret that I want to share with you. Many of you who worry about the negative peer pressure that you sense may feel as if you are alone or part of a very small minority who care. The truth is that you are not alone, and there are many others like you. I know, because although you may not talk to each other about this, you talk to me. And I have spoken to a lot of like-minded parents who are seeking to create positive peer pressure, among children and adults, to provide meaningful outlets for themselves and their families at our shul.

The first step in effecting change in this realm is to acknowledge the issue. The second step is to talk to your peers- your friends and the parents of your children’s friends, and engage them in conversation around this topic. It only takes a few families to resolve to improvement; and working together they can create a “snowball effect” that creates a force of positive peer pressure and, hopefully, a more successful and meaningful shul experience. 

I am happy to help connect like-minded parents together and facilitate such conversations.