Spite May Not Be Nice- But it’s Human

 The Talmud (Brachot 31b) formulates an important idea: Dibra Torah B’lashon bnei adam. Although the Torah is of Divine origin, it was written in “the language of human beings,” in the way people talk.

This concept helps us understand many passages in the Torah. It explains, for example, anthropomorphic imagery, where God is described as having a yad, a hand. Some Orthodox Biblical scholars utilize this concept to show that although the Torah is timeless, it was given to Bnai Yisrael in a particular historical and cultural context. Understanding that the Torah may speak in the common language of its time can help explain certain mitzvot in their historical context of more than 3,300 years ago, such as slavery and levirate marriage. Others point to parallels between the way Hashem spoke to Bnai Yisrael when entering into a brit, such as at Mt Sinai, and the way ancient kings entered into treaties with subservient nations.

The concept of Dibra Torah B’lashon bnei adam can also help us understand an otherwise enigmatic passage in this week’s Parsha.

In Chapter 20, Parshat Shoftim focuses on the laws of Jewish warfare. The first topic addressed is the list of those exempted from the battlefield.

The Torah lists three specific exemptions followed by a more general one:

1. One who built a new house but has not yet lived in it.

2. One who planted a vineyard but has not yet enjoyed its fruits.

3. One who is engaged but has not yet gotten married.

4. Anyone who is yarei v’rach haleivav, fearful and fainthearted.

Obtaining a house, a vineyard, and a wife are important milestones in a person’s life. This becomes evident from the curses in Parshat Ki Tavo (28:30).

The exemptions are understandable. These people are more distracted; their battle instincts may be compromised, which in turn could endanger the entire army and its mission.

What is less understandable is the reason given by the Torah for these specific exemptions:

“Pen yamut b’milchama, v’ish acher yachnechenu, yechallelenu, yikachena.”

The focus of concern is not simply the possibility of death, but the fact that an ish acher, someone else, will come along and benefit from that which the deceased soldier prepared but never had a chance to enjoy. Rashi comments that such a situation causes agmat nefesh, heartbreak. But would these situations be more heartbreaking than many other military casualty? What makes these casualties more tragic than the loss of a soldier who is an only child to his parents, or a married soldier who leaves behind a widow and young children? Is the possibility of an ish acher really the concern to which the Torah should draw our attention? That someone else will get this man’s wife, house, or vineyard after he is dead?

I can’t help but be reminded of a poem by Shel Silverstein that I read as a child, “The Prayer of the Selfish Child”:

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray thee Lord my soul to keep

And if I day before I wake

I pray thee Lord my toys to break

So none of the other kids can use ‘em

Amen

The poem speaks to a basic element of human nature: spite. It is the idea that if I can’t have it, then no one can. People can become upset by the prospect of someone else benefiting, even when it does not come at their expense. Spiteful people are willing to lose in order to make sure that others do not gain.

Researchers have tried to understand this phenomenon. Is it an affronted sense of fairness? Envy? Revenge? Or something more sinister? History is littered with examples of leaders who acted out of spite, often with horrendous results.

Spite is a uniquely human phenomenon, evident even among young children. Psychologist Paul Bloom conducted an experiment in which children were given the opportunity to prevent another badly behaved child from receiving a food he liked. Some children ate food that they disliked, like broccoli, simply to make sure the badly behaved child would not receive the broccoli that they loved.

Being spiteful is not something we necessarily grow out of as adults. People will sometimes work to ensure that another person gains no benefit from a situation, even though their own position will not be enhanced as a result. This seems to be the type of human emotion alluded to in our Parsha. The Torah, while at no time condoning these feelings of spite, understands human nature and recognizes that spite is a powerful emotion that needs to be considered. 

Parshat Shoftim is always read at the beginning of Chodesh Elul. One of the well-known acronyms of Elul is Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li. Spite can be a powerful force. We should appreciate the danger of focusing on the ish acher, on what someone else may have, receive, or enjoy, and stop defining our happiness based on other people. As we head toward a New Year, let us not focus on the other but rather on the Ani: our lives, our goals, and our blessings.